“The fantasy of leaving is so, so alluring,” he said quietly. “But now I’m not so sure I can do it.”
“I wondered if you’d land there,” I said. “It would be…such a shitshow.”
“It’s not even that,” Nick said. “I mean, it is that. But it’s so many other things, too. I keep thinking of my grandfather. He said in his letter that running off wouldn’t actually let him and Georgina escape anything. That the scandal would always chase their family. We’re in a similar position, and now that I’m seeing these two in front of me, flesh and blood, I don’t know if I can do it to them. Is that crazy? If I have the choice that I have always wanted, is it madness not to take it?”
“Deciding to stay is a choice, Nick,” I pointed out.
“But not my choice alone,” he said. “What do you want to do?”
I leaned back in my padded rocking chair. Nick had painted such a nice picture of what our alternate future might be. A simpler life, with simpler jobs, and simpler choices. Years ago, I told him I fell in love with a person, not a prince. But they don’t exist separately. They will always be one and the same.
“No holds barred?” I asked him.
“None.”
“There is no clean exit for us,” I said. “It might be different if there were. But something will always be chasing us.”
Nick gazed pensively at the daughter in his arms. “Gran said that when she first held Father, he seemed so pure, and all she wanted was to raise him strong enough to face his destiny. All I can do is make my best guess at which path is right for them, and ultimately, being infamous won’t be any easier for them than being famous. It could be rather worse.”
He gestured with his chin in my direction. “And imagine the teenage rebellion when she finds out she could’ve been the bloody queen,” he joked. “I’d better double down on this now.”
“Like a vow renewal, of sorts,” I said.
“If I’ve learnt anything from all the Real Housewives, it is that renewing one’s vows is a death knell for any relationship.”
“Too true,” I said. “I’ll think of another metaphor.”
Both babies began to wriggle and mewl.
“What’s the matter, poppet?” Nick cooed. “Did luncheon go down the wrong way?”
But the energy in the whole room had started to shift, and maybe the girls sensed it. I craned my neck and saw, in the distance, the doctors and nurses exchanging frantic expressions, then scurrying over to form a line toward the door. I heard the water at the scrubbing station turn on, and the tear of the plastic around another sterile pre-soaped brush, before a very specific voice drifted through the NICU.
“This soap smells ghastly,” we heard Queen Eleanor say. “How dreadful that these poor babies start life thinking that the world reeks of loo cleaner.”
Nick and I exchanged holy shit looks, and shortly thereafter, the Queen appeared in front of us wearing a lavender coatdress and matching hat, smiling and nodding and politely thanking the staff for taking such wonderful care of all the babies. “And particularly mine,” she said, stopping in front of me. She leaned down and poked at a little foot that had come free of its swaddle. “Hello, madam,” she said. “It’s your favorite relative.”
Everyone scattered, having paid sufficient respects, and the three of us were alone in our corner of the NICU. One of the nurses, as she left, pulled the curtains around us for privacy.
“They’re so tiny,” Eleanor marveled.
“Would you like to hold one?” I asked. Eleanor shrank back a bit, nervous, so I added, “Like all the women in this family, they’re tougher than anyone thinks.”
Eleanor looked pleased, and sat in the nearby empty glider. I carefully handed over the baby in my arms, who blinked with interest up at her great-grandmother.
“Look, Nick,” I said. “A pair of queens.”
She whipped up her head, more surprised than I’d seen her before. “Are you implying what you seem to be implying?”
“Yes,” Nick said. “You’ve had enough traumatic chapters in your life. We’re not going to be the authors of another.”
Eleanor took a deep breath. “I know all too well that it’s one thing to make a decision but quite another to live with it,” she said. “As someone who had to do that for a very long time, I can tell you, at times the pain made me