were about to let it pass us by like any other wedding, like he was any other man. I wanted to wish him one last goodbye, and put a period on the run-on sentence that was Freddie’s and my curious relationship to one another.
I’d had a little something made for him, so while Nick finished the exacting process of getting his military insignia right, I tucked the gift into my purse and told Nick I’d meet him downstairs.
“Takes me half an hour extra just to get down there,” I’d cracked.
“Try the scooter,” he replied from the dressing area. “It’ll change your life.”
Grinning, I scooped up my trusty navy suede pumps—I was not going to wear them a second longer than I had to—and padded down the hallway to rap on the door to Freddie’s suite. The valet they hired for him opened the door, then goggled a little before pulling it together and waving me inside.
“Ah!” Freddie said. “Het is mijn favoriete…duchess,” he finished lamely. “How’d I do, Jan?”
“Flawless,” said the kid.
“You’re lying, but that’s why I like you,” Freddie said. “Why don’t you head off? Bex can escort me downstairs.”
Jan bowed deeply and retreated into the hallway. When the door shut, I turned and drank in Freddie in his uniform, exuding a preternatural calm, and immediately burst into tears.
“No, no, none of that,” Freddie said, plucking two tissues from a box on the table and walking them over to me. He rubbed my back as I blew into them. “Although I will miss your honking noises.”
I wiped my eyes. “It’s stupid to cry. You’re only a flight away,” I said. “I’m hormonal.”
He gave me a sidelong squeeze. “Maybe you are,” he said. “But I feel it, too.”
“The crew back in England sends its regards,” I said, muffled by the tissue. “Even Bea, in pretty much those exact words.”
“She wouldn’t be Bea if she sent a florid goodbye,” he said. “I hope they didn’t mind not being here. But it would be harder to cope with leaving London if I saw all their faces today. Cilla said Gaz couldn’t even look at the invitation without wailing.”
“Yes, I think everyone agrees it was for the best.” I welled up again. “I’m not much better, though. I swear I didn’t come in here to cry all over you.”
I popped open the clasp on my bag and dug around for his gift: a tiny pin composed of two flags, the Union Jack and the Dutch tricolor one, crossed at the poles.
“I have one like it with my own flags,” I said as I dropped it into his palm. “Nick gave it to me a very, very long time ago. It always helped me feel connected to my first home, and like I had a place in my second.”
Freddie stared down at the pin, and when he finally looked up at me, his eyes were swimming, too. “It’s perfect,” he said. “Listen, Bex…”
“This had better not ruin my makeup,” I warned him.
“I think it’s too late for that,” he said. “I just wanted to say thank you. I know you and Nick have had your doubts. Thank you for understanding that I needed this. Because…”
He reached out then, haltingly, and placed his hands so gently on my belly. We said nothing, until he let out a long slow breath and dropped his hands. “It is ever so hard to go, and that’s why I have to.”
“Freddie…”
“Our bond has never just been about sex, or love, for me,” he said. “I’ve been so emotionally dependent on being able to talk to you, to have you in my family and in my life. Not very many people have known me as well as you do. Maybe no one has. But it can be hard to untangle all those things, so even though that chapter is behind us…”
“It still has to change,” I finished for him. “I know. Daphne has to be that person for you now.”
Freddie nodded. “But you never do forget your first,” he said.
He pulled me into his arms for a long hug.
“Thank you for making me want to reach for more,” he whispered.
“Thank you for all the times you held me together.”
“And thank you for not having any pointy bits on your hat or else I’d have just speared myself,” he said. “And then Princess Persil Liquid Detergent and Princess Duracell Batteries will have to be told I’m a pirate.”
I snorted and we pulled apart, smiling. “Okay,” I sniffled. “I need to clean