reach me. He’s the villain in a movie who’s going to monologue himself into trouble.”
Freddie cocked his head. “You mean, if he can’t resist calling you to lord something over you, he’s actually giving you ammo.”
“Maybe,” I said. “He shouldn’t have told us anything last time, either, but he couldn’t help himself. Maybe he’ll call again and do the same thing. I bet he’ll call again. You watch.”
I settled back into the leather seat, and a companionable, if charged, hush fell over the car. My phone sat in my lap, bouncing with the wheels on the road, a little silver time bomb waiting to go off.
* * *
My phone was never far from me after that. It was next to me on the couch, it was in Stout’s pocket, it was in my purse hooked to a battery to keep it from dying. Nick started jokingly referring to it as my pet rock. Once he set a place for it at the dinner table. I jumped every time it rang, but so far, no Clive; it was usually Lacey or my mother, or Bea with some sort of persnickety complaint about something I’d done with my hands in a photograph or the way I was crossing my legs. And then, of course, sometimes it was Dr. Akhtar.
After my most recent IVF didn’t take, Dr. Akhtar called me into her office. It was bright and white, all modern edges and metal utilitarian furniture, much colder than the warmth she projected to her patients. She smiled as she gestured for me to sit in the leather rolling chairs opposite her, but it was regretful.
“You know what I’m going to say, Bex,” she said, taking a seat behind a gleaming silver desk, a file as thick as the Bible plonked on it in front of her. I realized with sinking sadness that it was mine. It was sobering to see all our failures—what felt so keenly like my failures—stacked up like that.
“I know you’d hoped all we needed to do was help with the embryos, and the rest would take care of itself,” she said. “That hasn’t been the case. We can certainly continue trying if that’s what you want, but I don’t see that changing.” She tapped her manicured nails on top of the desk. “Have you given any further thought to donor sperm?”
“No. I don’t even…” I couldn’t finish the thought. Because I genuinely didn’t know how that thought ended. “So how would that work?”
“It’s entirely up to you. Some people use a sperm bank, all of which have expertly vetted and profiled samples,” she said. “And others use a family member.”
I flinched, imagining Edwin, fertile as all get-out, offering up some extra to me. Or…
I almost blacked out. I knew what the other option was. Dr. Akhtar remained impassive, but she had not been living under a rock during my wedding; her clinical remove was impressive, but I couldn’t mimic it.
“Absolutely not,” I said. “Nope. No way. No.”
“Why don’t you bring Nick into the discussion?” She opened her desk and took out three glossy pamphlets. The top one featured a photo of a blissful-looking family, caught in a vacation snap posing joyfully in front of, all places, Buckingham Palace. Bank On It: A Guide to Understanding Sperm and Egg Donation, it read. “We’ll move forward however you decide. I just don’t want you to feel caught on a hamster wheel with no end in sight. There are choices.” She cleared her throat. “And I often advise my patients to take a break, because IVF and its ups and downs are stressful, and hard on the body. You should take a time-out.”
“You’re cutting me off?” I said.
“Not at all,” Dr. Akhtar said. “I’m telling you to rest, and refocus on what you really want to do next.” She leaned forward, the picture of sympathy. “We can also explore surrogacy, but we’d still end up needing a donor. I would not have suggested that if I didn’t think it was your best shot at a successful pregnancy. Give it real thought.”
My head was swimming as I walked out of her office. The suggestion that Freddie, Freddie, might help impregnate me was so impossible that it was borderline hilarious. I blinked blindly at the pamphlets and felt hysterical giggles bubbling up in my throat.
There was absolutely no way I could bring this up to Nick. The entire sperm donor conversation would naturally open the door to this, which meant it was all a