In the Heart of the Canyon - By Elisabeth Hyde Page 0,106

foods from your diet.

She’d been hoping her mother would bring back enchiladas; now she wondered if that was a good idea. On the other hand, she might as well test it out and see if it bothered the baby. Maybe he would like enchilada milk.

Soon she heard footsteps in the hallway, and Susan appeared with a bag from Subway. She was still dressed in her river clothes, but she’d taken off her hat; her hair was matted and darker than usual, and a white rim of skin banded her hairline.

“Turkey,” she told Amy, handing her the bag. “You’ll want to go easy at first.”

Hungrily Amy unwrapped the sandwich and took a large bite. It tasted of refrigeration, but it still tasted good. Shreds of lettuce dropped on her chest, and she picked them off and ate them.

“Where’s the nurse?” Susan asked, drawing up a chair.

“Busy,” said Amy between bites.

“How long has the baby been sleeping?”

“Half an hour.”

“Did you get any rest?”

“No,” said Amy, “but I read about how much liquid I have to drink. Did you get me a Coke?”

Susan handed her a large cup with a straw. Amy took a long drink, then glanced at her mother. “What about you?”

“I got a sandwich. I already ate it.” Susan straightened the blankets on the bed, and Amy watched her slender fingers and recalled their touch earlier, in the helicopter. She could never have said this out loud, but she’d wished her mother would not only move the strands of hair off her forehead but run her fingers through her hair, starting at her temples, over and over, like she used to do when Amy was sick.

“How are you feeling?” Susan asked now.

“Okay.”

“Sore?”

“Kind of.”

“Maybe they’ll let you take a sitz bath.”

Amy pictured the plastic basin she occasionally found set upon the toilet bowl in her mother’s bathroom. It had always mystified Amy, but suddenly she saw its value.

“You know, I wonder,” her mother began, and Amy thought, Here it comes:

Who’s the father?

How did this happen?

Didn’t you notice your periods stopping?

And what are you going to do with it?

But instead, her mother said, “I wonder if they have a whirlpool. They had a whirlpool in the hospital where I had you. I think I’ll go check. I’ll be right back.”

No, stay, Amy wanted to say, but her mother was already out of the room.

Now the baby stirred. Amy looked over and watched as he arched his back and made a face. What was the theory of swaddling them so tightly? She leaned over the bassinet and slid her hands beneath the little bundle and carefully lifted him up. He weighed absolutely nothing! She untied her hospital gown and held him to her breast and tickled his cheek, just like the book said, and he twisted his mouth to the side, like a little gangster. She stuck her giant nipple in between his lips, but he made funny breathing noises, and she was afraid she would suffocate him, so she held him up, and he began to cry, and she began to cry, and her breasts felt prickly all over, and she wished her mother had not left the room, and she wanted to go back to yesterday, the day before Lava, when she was not a mother, she was not pregnant, there was no baby, it was just a stomach problem, annoying but temporary.

She heard the swish of Kleenex and opened her eyes. Her mother was standing by her bedside, and Amy saw the saddest thing she’d ever seen in her life: the sight of her mother crying. Which made Amy cry even more.

Susan took the baby while Amy blew her nose. But Susan didn’t hold him very long; as soon as Amy was ready, she handed him back. Then, using her own finger, Susan gently opened the baby’s mouth and at the same time guided his head to Amy’s breast and helped work her nipple into his tiny mouth. He clamped down, and Amy felt an inner tug as the baby’s jaw worked up and down.

“That’s what they mean by latch,” Susan said gently. As the baby nursed, she dabbed at the corners of Amy’s eyes, which made Amy start crying all over again. Amy stroked the baby’s downy hair, feeling more naked than she’d felt while giving birth.

“Why should I nurse him if I’m not going to keep him?”

“Because it’s good for him,” said Susan.

“If it’s good for him, then I should keep doing it, which means I shouldn’t give