found a place that specialized in mental illness. It wasn’t a hospital so much as a retirement community with a staff trained to deal with mental health issues.
“Tell me, Rebecca. Tell me all of it.”
She didn’t know if she wanted to tell him. Her shrink grilled her enough on it. Dimitri was the one person she had who didn’t know anything about her dysfunctional family. He never judged or pitied her. He accepted her. She wasn’t ready to lose that, and if he knew all about her fucked-up past, she might. He’d still be her best friend, but would he ever look at her without pity after he learned it all?
But then, he didn’t get to know the real her, did he? Only the person she let him see. The person she let everyone else see. She didn’t let anyone in, not even Dimitri, but he’d stuck around even when he didn’t have to. Kept in touch. He was the one person she wanted to talk to every day. Dimitri and her brother Jackson were the only two constants in her life. He deserved to know the real her.
Dimitri turned to face her, and Becca sat up when she saw the raw agony on his face. This was part of the reason she’d kept him in the dark. He loved his family, and he considered her family. He’d take her pain personally. She knew it killed him thinking he might have helped her.
“I mean it, Becca. I want all of it.”
Those memories were hard for her, and she didn’t want to end up in another panic attack today. “I will tell you, I promise. Just not all at once and not today. I need to do it my way in my own time.”
He didn’t look happy, but he nodded. “Then tell me how all this translates into the panic attack you had earlier.”
“It’s the crowds.” Becca pulled her legs under her. “I don’t remember much about the day I got lost, but I remember the panic and the fear. I couldn’t find my mom. All those faces. The noise. It only made it worse, and when I figured out my mom wasn’t coming for me, I hid. I was so scared. It did something to me, Dimitri, something I can’t explain. It only worsened as I got older. School was a nightmare for me. It wasn’t until I met you that it got easier. That hour you were with me, it wasn’t so bad for a little while. You made it easier to breathe, easier to deal with all the panic. You always have.”
He rolled his shoulders then took off his jacket, throwing it on the bed. His muscles rippled with each movement, and she turned away. He couldn’t see how he affected her. She didn’t want any more pity directed at her. Becca knew the kinds of women Dimitri dated, and it certainly wasn’t her. Besides that, she valued their friendship too much to ever risk ruining it with sex.
“Do you go to therapy?” He sat back down next to her, and she fought to stay still. Having him this close to her wasn’t a good idea. It made her feel too much. Not panic, though. He’d never set off that reaction. No, Dimitri was like the anti-panic medication. He kept her calm.
“Yes. My doctor has been treating me for the last five years.”
“What does he say about all this?”
“She.” Leave it to Dimitri to think all doctors were male. He stereotyped too much. “Dr. Gainey understands it better than I do. She’s been pushing me for years to face my fear instead of accepting it and medicating me. She even accused me of using it as a crutch to get out of things I didn’t want to do.”
“Is she right?”
“Maybe.” Becca shrugged. While her anxiety was very real, she wondered sometimes if she didn’t use it as a means of escaping anything that made her uncomfortable.
“Are the panic attacks always this bad?” He absently played with a lock of her hair, twisting it around his finger. She wanted him to stop, but calling attention to it might embarrass them both, so she left it alone.
“No. I’ve only had one other attack this bad, and that was at my therapist’s office. It was the first time she suggested I go sit at the food court in a mall and see what happens. It was also the last time I left my apartment. We do our sessions via Zoom now.”