a low, shuddering breath. “I had a mini attack last night when we got here.”
“That was an attack? I just thought you were nervous.” He’d have to pay more attention to her reactions so he could learn what stressed her.
“It was a mild one.” She gave him a wry smile. “Not even a two-point-oh on the Richter scale.”
“So, what do you think? Was your shrink right? Did facing the crowds help?”
Becca didn’t answer him right away. How to explain something she couldn’t really understand herself? She needed to talk to her doctor, in all honesty, to make sense out of it. She hadn’t been panicking left and right, and she had been surrounded by more people than she was comfortable with.
She’d been distracted each time she’d had to face the crowds, thanks to Dimitri. Perhaps the distraction was the key to getting through her panic. Another question to ask her psychiatrist.
“I honestly don’t know, D. It might have been that, or it could be they weren’t huge crowds, and my subconscious realized it.”
“Maybe, but we’ll see later today…”
He let out another hiss, and she stopped, her hands splayed out over his upper thighs. “I swear to God, Dimitri, if I’m hurting you and you’re not telling me…”
“I promise, you’re not.” He buried his head in the pillow, and she frowned. What the hell was wrong with him, then?
“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’m stopping right now. I will not hurt you.”
“Fuck, Becca, you’re not hurting me. I’m doing my best not to grab you and show you exactly what those hands of yours are doing to me, okay?”
She jumped off the bed and stumbled, falling on her ass. She stared up at him, her own emotions so out of control, it wasn’t even funny.
He sat up, grimacing, and not from his legs. She saw exactly why he was in pain this time. Her eyes widened and refused to move from that particular piece of his anatomy. It looked very happy.
“Dimitri. You need to stop this. It’s going to ruin our friendship, and you know it.”
“I know that, but I can’t help what I’m feeling here, Becca. I’ve been arguing with myself since you bent over in your fridge. I keep changing my mind. One minute, I’m all for keeping my hands off you because I love you and I value our friendship. The next minute, my dick takes over, and he doesn’t give two shits about any of that. He just wants what he wants, everything else be damned. I’m driving myself insane with all these whiplash emotions. I am starting to understand how much of an asshole I am. I want you, and I’m beginning to think like my dick. Friendship be damned.”
Wow. She hadn’t been expecting that confession. It tilted her reality a little, but not far enough that she would let herself become one of his women.
“Dimitri…”
He put up a hand to stop her from finishing her sentence. “No. You want me, Becca. I know you do.”
She let out a long, slow breath. “Yes, I do want you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. I value me too much.”
“What do you mean?” He frowned, not understanding.
“I love you, Dimitri. You’re the one person who means something to me besides my brother, but I won’t let lust cloud any of that. The minute I say yes, the minute I give in to my own lust and do what I want to do, I become one of your flavors of the week. I will no longer be your best friend, but a booty call. Do you know how that would make me feel, D?”
“You would never be a flavor of the week to me, or a booty call. You are my best friend, the one woman I love with all my heart besides my own mother. Don’t you get that?”
“I do. I know that, but if you fuck me, then what am I, D?”
“You’d still be my Becca, that’s who.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “No, I wouldn’t be. I’d be just another woman you fucked. I want more than that.”
“What do you mean?” He swung his legs over the bed, wincing. They were sore, the burn lessening, but still there. What was she talking about? More?
“It doesn’t matter. Just know that you and me? We will never be fuck buddies. Understand?”
“No, I don’t understand. Explain to me what you meant when you said you want more.” Did she mean what he thought she meant?