“Good morning, mom.” I shuffled on my feet, suddenly aware of the fact I hadn’t called her mom since I’d been back.
She turned around, a smile on her face as she held her spatula aloft. “Good morning, how’d you sleep?” She blushed and so did I when it dawned on her that I’d slept with Carson.
“Good.”
“Good,” she echoed, and then turned back to the pan and scooped out the finished pancake.
“Ummm, mom?” I asked before she could start another one.
She looked back and saw me still awkwardly shuffling in the doorway. “What is it, sweetheart?”
I was suddenly very aware that she hadn’t called me sweetheart since I’d returned.
“I just wanted to….” I bowed my head and looked at the floor, unable to watch her face while I said my peace. “I know I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, but I know they can’t.” I lifted a hand when I heard her moving toward me. “Please, just let me say what I need to say.”
“Okay.”
“I know they can’t because I’m different. Five years is a long time. I’m different because of them, and I know that. I’ve tried really hard to find some semblance of who I used to be,” I said, finally acknowledging what Neil had done. “Carson has helped me with a lot of that.”
I chuckled, remembering who I’d been just a few months earlier, almost not recognizing myself in who I was now. “He told me that sometimes it’s hard for people to bend.”
I looked up and met her gaze. “But I can bend first,” I whispered with trembling lips as tears welled in my eyes.
Answering tears appeared in her eyes as she held her hand to her mouth. “Oh, honey, no.”
“I’m sorry.”
She rushed across the room and wrapped me up in her arms. I clamped mine around her body in response. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”
“Please, sweetheart, don’t,” she whispered hoarsely, but it was too late.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” My breath caught on a sob. “I’m sorry I believed the things he said.”
“Shhh,” she whispered as she ran her fingers through my hair. “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. You’ll always be my baby.”
I clenched my hands in her robe and buried my face in her shoulder as I cried. “I’m sorry I let him hurt me.” I had no idea if I was apologizing to her or to myself, but either way, it felt good to say.
“Oh god.” Her arms crushed me with their grip as she held on to me. “I’m so sorry. I never should have let you leave this house.”
I had no idea how long we held each other, but eventually, my tears dried up. I felt hollow and drained, but good at the same time.
Pulling back, mom cupped my cheeks and tsked. “Why don’t you go outside and sit on the swing while I finish up breakfast? Take some time alone, yeah?”
“That does sound nice.” My head was starting to hurt, and some fresh air sounded terrific. “Are you sure? I can help if you need me to.”
“I’m sure. I’ll call you in when it’s ready.”
“Thanks, mom.” I turned around and walked toward the door. Unlocking it, I stepped outside and approached the old porch swing. I swore the thing was older than I was. Taking a seat, I lifted one leg and laid my head on my knee while I used the other against the floor to push the swing gently. It was cool out, the morning air not yet heated by the sun, and the old oak tree nearby provided some much-needed shade. Closing my eyes, I rocked back and forth and let my mind empty.
I’d wanted to see my parents for so long, that having done so, I felt adrift.
What now, my mind wondered.
Cuddles with Daddy, my little side piped up.
Maybe more time at the club, I replied, feeling a lot less scared at the idea.
I opened my eyes when the screen door creaked. Looking toward the door, I stopped rocking as my dad came outside to join me. I lifted my head from my knees and gave him a welcoming smile. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” He crossed the porch and sat next to me. Using his foot, he took over the job of keeping the swing going.
Lifting my other foot, I wrapped my arms around both of my legs and rested my head back on my knees, but this time, I was facing him.