Jonathon watched Alexandria move to look out the window; Lilly’s legs were wrapped around Alexandria like a monkey. Alexandria looked exhausted and reached to rub at her back. Jonathon stood and moved to stand behind her, his gaze met Lilly’s.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he picked up her small hand and rubbed it with his thumb. “It’s a bad day isn’t, baby?” he asked as another sob racked her body. She was too young at not quite four to understand death, or should be, but her mother’s had given the word meaning. Alexandria glanced back at him curiously.
“You’re scared your mommy is going to go away too aren’t you?” he asked her. Lilly nodded against her mother’s shoulder.
“That’s scary, I know,” he nodded. “Do you think I could hold you if I stay right here with your mommy where you can see her or go back to her if you want?” Jonathon asked. He could see her consider it. She sat up and looked at her mother and then at him hesitantly.
“We’ll stay right with her, won’t let her out of our sight. We’ll pretend we’re her shadow, okay?” Jonathon extended his arms and let her make the choice. She finally reached for him and nestled her head on his shoulder in a way that kept Alexandria in her sight.
“Thank you,” Alexandria reached to rub at her back again.
“I should be thanking Ms. Lillian; it’s a privilege to get to hold her,” Jonathon countered.
“It is,” a small smile lifted Alexandria’s lips. She moved to the settee and seated herself for the first time in several hours. “Will this day ever end?” she asked in exhaustion.
“Eventually,” he assured her.
“Good. I wish the funeral were today and not tomorrow.”
“It should have been if you want my opinion,” he informed her.
“There wouldn’t have been enough time to get the word out,” Alexandria argued.
“Everyone who really mattered would have been there and then you could have all gotten some much needed rest,” he countered.
Alexandria nodded, “I guess you’re right.”
“You’re scared too aren’t you?” Jonathon seated himself in an armchair next to the settee.
“Of course I am; my whole life has changed.”
“Yes, but you’re most scared of losing your new little charge. I can tell your heart is fully involved,” he chose his words carefully so Lilly wouldn’t understand what was being said.
“That scares me more than being a widow,” she admitted.
“There you are…well she finally let you go,” Carolyn entered the room.
“Only because I promised we would be her mommy’s new shadow,” Jonathon informed her.
Carolyn offered him a soft smile. “You’re a good man, Mr. Stewart.”
Jonathon responded with a shrug. “I love kids.”
“Well, I know Alexandria appreciates the break.”
“To some extent she does,” Jonathon acknowledged.
Carolyn frowned at him and Alexandria smiled.
“Okay.”
“I’ll explain later, Mama,” Alexandria promised.
“I’ll hold you to that. You should come eat.”
“I will sit in front of a plate of food if it will make you feel better but I doubt I can eat,” Alexandria said as she stood.
“You need to,” Jonathon informed her.
Alexandria turned to frown at him. “Don’t think that just because you were successful with my daughter that you can now start ordering me around.”
“No, Ma’am,” he quickly assured her. Alexandria turned and Jonathon and Carolyn exchanged amused smiles. When Alexandria turned back to them suspiciously they quickly schooled their features.
“We’re right behind you; your new shadows,” Jonathon reminded her. Alexandria continued to survey them a moment before turning and continuing to the kitchen.
***
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”
Alexandria tuned out the pastor’s words. They were words too familiar and heard too often; she could quote them by heart. What she wanted was for someone to tell her what she was to do now. How was she to raise her daughter? How was she to be both Mom and Dad now? Who would intervene when Lilly threw a tantrum? Would she even be allowed to try? In ways Lilly had become her whole life, the thought of losing her now was nearly unbearable.
If she was allowed to keep Lilly, where would they live? On the ranch? She knew nothing of ranching, though admittedly she was a quick study. Her head swirled with these questions and more until she pressed a hand to her temple to try and steady her world. Her mother’s arm slipped around her waist and Alexandria leaned into her and welcomed her comfort.
As soon as the service was over, Alexandria turned toward the buggy she had arrived in. She had no wish to