mean. ‘I have one more question: did Pollard say anything else, apart from what you’ve told me? Anything at all.’
‘Yes.’ Dom looks trapped. I know how he feels. I also know I’m not prepared to feel it for much longer. ‘He told me Kevin Cater admitted lying to us about his children’s names. Cater told him he’d been reluctant to reveal the real names because he was worried you had a strange obsession with his children.’
‘Did he or Yanina admit that they both pretended she was Jeanette when we went round?’
‘I don’t know. That wasn’t mentioned. And that was a second question. You said only one. I mean it, Beth. You can let this take over your life if you want, but I’m not letting it take over mine. If you want Pollard to do something else …’
‘I don’t want him to do anything.’
‘He spooned it.’ Zannah’s voice rings with contempt.
‘I’m the one who needs to find out what’s going on,’ I say, thinking about Pam Swain’s podcast exercise: you imagine that each choice goes amazingly well, and then you choose which of those ideal outcomes would be the most ideal. It doesn’t work at all. My choice number two was leaving it up to Pollard to do what needs to be done. That’s the one I chose, in my head, and look how it’s turned out.
Or maybe Pam’s exercise works brilliantly …
Yes. It does. You can’t choose between two alternatives without thinking realistically about the people involved.
With Pollard being who he is, with his level of interest and care, and doing things in the way that he does them as a result, choice number two has already gone as well as it could have. For it to go any better, you’d need to replace Pollard with someone more determined, more obsessed, more willing to do whatever it takes – ideally, someone who once loved Flora Braid and her children.
I’d need to replace him with me. Which means choice number one is the right answer. ‘I have to do it myself,’ I tell Dom. ‘I’m the only person who can or ever would.’
‘What does that mean?’ he asks. ‘Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.’
‘It means going to Florida.’
18
From: beth.leesontriggerpointtherapy
To: DominicLLogonomika
Hi Dom,
I’m at Heathrow. My plane’s delayed by two hours – great!
I don’t think it’s ever happened before that I’ve left the house with you refusing to speak to me or say goodbye. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s fair. We’ve never disagreed about anything serious before, not once in our whole marriage. About this one thing we disagree, and that ought to be fine. Married couples don’t always have to agree about everything.
You think a trip to Florida is an unnecessary expense. I don’t. I need to do this. I think Flora and her kids might be in real trouble, and I can’t just ignore that fear. No, she’s not my friend any more, but if I hadn’t been so blinkered and pig-headed twelve years ago, maybe she still would be. I have to do what I can, and either I’ll be able to help or I won’t. Or I’ll find my help isn’t needed and I’ve been wrong about everything. Either way, I’ll be glad I tried. And if I’m creating drama where there’s no need, if I find out that I’ve been totally wrong to make a fuss, then I’ll be relieved – and it will have been worth the money to find that out, because you’re not the only one who wants their life back. I do too.
I wouldn’t force you to go to Florida and spend more time on this, knowing you didn’t want to. That wouldn’t be fair. Can’t you see that you trying to stop me when I feel I need to go is unfair too? I don’t think it’s irresponsible of me to go. I think it’s the opposite.
All right, I’m going to stop now because I sound like a two-year-old: ‘It’s not fair!’ I’ll be back as soon as I can, and the kids will be fine. Work will be fine. I sent a nice email to all my regulars and they all got back to me saying they understand completely, even though I hardly told them anything. I don’t think I’m going to lose a single client. Zannah says she’ll help round the house while I’m gone, and Ben won’t worry as long as you don’t panic him by making him think I’ve done something