the sand, a few metres from the sea, beautiful sandy beach … Anyway, one day we went off in search of a restaurant serving better food than what was available nearby. Flora and Dad and I were all fine with the usual tzatziki and olives and stuff, but Lewis was appalled, pretty much from day one, by the quality of the meat at the two tavernas on the beach. He called it “grey flesh cubes on sticks”.’
‘Sticks?’
‘Kebab sticks. Anyway, he made a fuss – and when Lewis kicked off, it was impossible to ignore – so we went off looking for somewhere better and we found this hotel. It wasn’t exactly posh – really good hotels are in short supply on Greek islands – but it was certainly a step up from where we were staying, and the closest to posh that we were likely to find, and we had a lovely lunch there with meat that Lewis thought was good, but he still wasn’t happy. He was always such a perfectionist. Like, nothing could be wrong. Nothing unsatisfactory could be allowed to stand.’
‘He sounds like a twat.’ Zannah yawns.
‘You know what? I think he is, and was, but I somehow didn’t fully realise it. I was young and easily impressed and he was so entertaining, and confident. We all just kind of assumed he was brilliant because he acted as if that was beyond doubt. Anyway … the hotel’s restaurant opened out onto a swimming-pool terrace. Stunning pool: huge, with absolutely no one in it or sitting around it. Apart from us, there were only two other people eating in the restaurant. We got the impression that the hotel was pretty much empty, and by the time we were ready to pay the bill and leave, Lewis was obsessed – completely obsessed, as much as he had been before about finding decent meat – with that swimming pool.’
‘Why? Shit!’ Zannah presses all of her fingers against her forehead, then spreads them out. ‘I’m trying not to frown, so that I don’t get too wrinkly when I’m older. Anti-ageing moisturiser can only do so much. I’ve got to train myself to be surprised without scrunching up my face. Why did Lewis suddenly get obsessed with a swimming pool?’
‘He said that no holiday was worth going on unless it had a great swimming pool as well as a great beach. He said it as if it was something he’d always thought and passionately advocated, though he’d never mentioned it before. It was so weird. He was the one who’d booked our holiday, chosen the place, everything. He’d happily booked an apartment on a gorgeous beach, with no swimming pool – but only about thirty footsteps from the most stunning, clear blue sea! – and then suddenly he was in the most horrendous mood because going to the hotel had ruined everything for him. Seeing that pool had made him think that his holiday was beyond flawed.’
‘Mum, he sounds like the biggest arse that ever lived.’
‘He certainly acted like one that day. He looked as if he might explode with murderous rage at any moment. Dad was taking the piss out of him, Flora was warning him to stop, and I couldn’t stop laughing. Then, suddenly, he leaps up from the table and storms over to reception. No one knows what he’s planning to do or say. Obviously we follow him, and find him negotiating with the receptionist: why can’t we come and swim in their pool every day if we want to, if we eat at the restaurant? No one else is using the pool. The receptionist explained that the pool is for hotel guests only. An argument started, lasting twenty minutes at least, with Lewis insisting that anyone who eats in the restaurant surely qualifies as a temporary hotel guest, and the receptionist saying, no, it doesn’t work like that, a guest is someone actually staying in the hotel.’
‘Ugh. Weren’t you horribly embarrassed?’ Zan asks.
‘Weirdly, no. Anyone watching would have noticed no one but Lewis, so the embarrassment, I figured, was all his. Not that he felt it for a second. Once he saw that his valid guest argument wasn’t going to work, he tried another tactic. He asked if we could pay a small fee to come and swim at the hotel, as day guests. The receptionist was nearly in tears by this point.’
‘I’m not surprised. I’d have said, “You like our pool so much? I’ll be happy to