stares into the distance. Finally she says, ‘You can’t imagine, Beth. He looked at me and I knew: everything was finished. He would never love me again. I was condemned. Lewis doesn’t give second chances.’
‘He used to boast about that.’ It was a feature that he had and we all lacked. There was a quote he liked, about it being your fault if someone hurts you more than once. He presented it as hard-earned wisdom, not intransigence, and we never questioned it. His belief in himself was so strong, we all fell in with it.
‘I begged him to forgive me, said I’d end the pregnancy. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I’d have done it. I was so scared, even then. Not scared of what he might do at that point, just scared of what my life would be like if I wasn’t the beloved wife of the great Lewis Braid any more.’
All of this happened when Flora found out she was pregnant with Georgina. That’s why telling her best friend was the last thing on her mind. ‘But you kept the pregnancy. How come, if you knew Lewis was against it?’
‘He told me to. Said, “No, you won’t be having a termination.” As if he was in charge of me. I told him I didn’t want one, I thought it was what he wanted, and he said, “No, it’s not. Not now that I’ve had a chance to think about it. You chose to get pregnant, and now you’re going to see it through. We’re both going to live with the consequences of your unilateral decision.” Do you want to hear the most ridiculous thing of all? I was relieved! I thought maybe he was coming round to the idea of a third child. He was still sounding so cold and … different from the Lewis who’d loved me, but if he was telling me to keep it, I thought …’
‘You allowed yourself to hope.’
Flora nods. ‘I was sure that when the baby arrived, he’d love it. But that was never going to happen. He ruled that out, the second he saw through my “accidental conception” lie. He might not have made his whole plan on day one, but he drew a line that was going to stay drawn forever. I should have known. If I hadn’t been so desperate for another baby, I would have known. It was deluded wishful thinking. Lewis doesn’t change his mind, and to think that he would after I’d gone against him like that …’ She shuts her eyes.
‘What if Georgina hadn’t been born prematurely?’ I ask. ‘If she’d appeared bang on time, if she hadn’t had the problem with her eye?’
‘It could so easily have been fixed.’ A tear rolls down Flora’s face. ‘One operation – that’s all it would have taken. I told Lewis that. He said, “Do you know what the trouble with you is, Flora? You don’t know how to think properly.” I asked him what he meant. He said I had to work it out; he wasn’t going to tell me – part of his effort to improve my thinking capacity. I did in the end. Work it out, I mean. Even if Georgina’s eyes were fixed, even if she was the most flawless-looking, healthy child in the world, it still wouldn’t be okay that she was there. She was never supposed to exist. We were supposed to be a family of four.’
I wish she hadn’t hidden all this from me. I nearly say it, then realise there’s no point. It’s not going to make her feel any better to think that if she’d told me everything then, all those years ago, Georgina might …
Might still be alive? Why?
I’d have told her to take the kids and get as far away from Lewis as possible. Would that have worked, though? Or would he have made a different plan to punish her? ‘His whole plan’, she said.
‘Flora?’ I can’t put off asking any longer.
‘What?’
‘Did Lewis murder Georgina?’
She looks away.
‘Flora?’
‘It was my fault.’
‘Georgina’s death was your fault?’
She nods.
‘The story you and Lewis told me about the wine and the argument you had, how it led to Georgina’s death – that was true?’
‘No.’
‘Tell me what happened. How did Georgina die?’
I wait.
‘Flora? I think Lewis killed her. I think he’s the one who belongs in HMP Peterborough. Not you.’