she walks slowly over to the corner. I slowly turn around, but I already know what’s in the corner of the room.
Everything I thought I had with her, the little time I thought I had left with her, is now gone.
I look at Olive looking at the DVDs of me on the front, shirtless, with words like, Sean and Stacey in College Facials. I knew that she wouldn’t be happy when she found out that I not only produced porn, but I also starred in them. What’s worse is, the other person on the covers of most of them—Jamie.
“Olive, I can explain…”
But I know I can’t. There’s nothing to explain. There’s nothing to be sorry for. This is my life. This is what I do, and if she can’t accept me, then I don’t want her in my life.
Olive slowly turns around, and I see the tears rolling down her cheeks. “I need some air,” she says, pushing past me and out of the room.
This is why I wanted to show her the real me—so she could run away. But, now that she has, I know that isn’t what I wanted at all.
16
Olive
I wrap my arms around myself because the cool night air hits me hard when I walk outside into the night. But I can finally breathe, alone in the dark. Except I’m not alone. I’m in a busy city full of people walking by who don’t bother to stop and ask if I’m okay when they see the tears burning down my cheeks. I should be thinking about Sean, about who he is and what he does, but all I can think about is that I should’ve brought a damn jacket.
I pace up and down the sidewalk, trying to warm my body and figure out why I had the reaction that I just had. I shouldn’t be upset that Sean owns and runs an adult entertainment company. I shouldn’t be upset that he did or still stars in porn. I shouldn’t be upset that he had sex with Jamie at least a dozen times on film for the world to see. I shouldn’t be upset because he is not mine.
I don’t have any claim to him, and I definitely don’t have any claim to his past. For all I know, he’s had sex with women in between our times together. But, still, the tears fall because it hurts to know how intimately involved Sean and Jamie were. They make sense together, unlike me and Sean. Jamie has always been strong, powerful, driven. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it, just like Sean. I don’t understand why I feel so strongly about them.
No, that’s not true. I know exactly why it makes me so upset.
One, because I care about Sean far more than I hate him.
Two, I know I’m the real reason that Jamie and Sean are no longer together.
It all comes back to me.
The endless nights of listening to Jamie talk about her baby, honey, sweetheart. It took me a while to connect the dots because she hardly ever used his real name when talking about him when they were together.
I try to push the thought out of my head, but I can’t. I broke them up. I just didn’t realize it at the time.
They were perfect for each other, and I ruined it. And, now, I’m making it worse by fucking Sean. Jamie will never be able to forgive me, and I can’t handle being in any more of her debt.
How do I tell Sean the truth? How do I give him up? How can I fix this now that Jamie is pregnant with another man’s baby?
I can’t.
That’s the only thing I know for sure. There is no way to fix this. What’s done is done. I just have to figure out how to move on from this.
I take a deep breath and wipe my tears off on the back of my hand. I fluff my hair before I turn around and walk back inside the building. I don’t take the elevator. I take the stairs, needing time to think as I climb each step.
I step out onto the floor where there’s a whole crew of people shooting the film, not paying any attention to me. I scan the crowd, looking for Sean but don’t immediately see him. I wander around on the floor, continuing to look for him while taking everything in.