“Huh,” he says, and there’s a twinkle in his eyes I haven’t seen in years. Maybe ever. “It must have been a little bird.”
I roll my eyes. “Honestly. You circus people and your little birds.” I start to turn, but Dad’s softened gaze makes me pause.
“It was your mom,” he says gently. “The circus is a small world. She made some calls, asked around, and found out you were going to perform.” His face wrinkles into a tired smile. “She wanted to be there. We both did.”
The knot tightens in my throat. “But… why? Neither of you approved of me joining the circus. You wanted me to go to school.”
“We do want you to go to school,” he corrects. “But we’re your parents, and we don’t want to miss the big moments. Even the ones we don’t agree with.”
I nod, and my emotions flood through me.
Dad looks down at the floor and clears his throat. “You know, your mom told me what you said to her. About me being a ghost.”
“I didn’t mean that—” I start.
He holds up his hand. “It’s okay, Harley. I know why you said it. I guess sometimes I get so caught up in my work that I forget to be present. I don’t even realize I’m doing it, but I can see why that wouldn’t have been fair to you. I hope—I hope I didn’t miss out on too many moments with you. I hope I was there for some of them.” His eyes well up, but he blinks the tears away quickly. “Maybe if I’d been the dad you needed, you wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to run away.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I made that choice on my own,” I say with a shaky voice.
“It is my fault.” He gives me a weak smile. “At least a little bit. Because you tried to tell us you weren’t feeling supported, and I didn’t want to listen. And so I don’t blame you for wanting to leave. I really don’t. The rest of it, I’ll accept your apology for, but that part? That was me failing as your father.”
I let my eyes fall to my feet because seeing Dad cry is making me want to burst into sobs.
“There should have been another way to handle everything. For both of us,” Dad says. “I don’t want anything like this to happen ever again. So the next time you need to talk, I promise I’ll listen.”
There should have been another way.
It’s the lesson I needed to learn most of all. Because feeling hurt is never an excuse to hurt the people I care about.
Maybe family means trying a little harder to understand one another.
Maybe family means there’s room to compromise.
“Thanks, Dad,” I say, lifting my eyes. “And, for what it’s worth, I promise I’ll never break into your filing cabinet again.”
Dad lifts his brow. “Oh, you don’t need to worry about that. I’ve already changed all the combinations.”
I roll my eyes, half embarrassed and half amused.
When I close Dad’s office door, I can still hear him laughing behind it.
CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
I keep expecting to one day wake up happy again. But when my dream of the circus died, it left a hole in my chest. A hole that grows and grows, spilling black onto everything around it.
I don’t know how to close it up, or make it stop. So my heart continues to bleed, a little at a time, every day until the world starts to feel too heavy for one person to hold up.
Popo makes teriyaki salmon for dinner, and afterward when Mom and Dad are busy in the office, she asks me to sit with her on the couch.
“You look tired, Harley Yoshi,” she says.
“I feel tired,” I admit. “But not the kind of tired where you just need to sleep it off. I’m the kind of tired that makes your face hurt and your chest tighten and you want to cry at everything and nothing because your feelings are numb and in overdrive, all at once. I feel like I could sleep for a lifetime and I wouldn’t actually feel more awake.” I pause. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be awake.”
“Have you talked to your mother about this?” she asks seriously.
“Mom doesn’t understand. Not really,” I say. “I’d rather keep this to myself.”
“But if it gets worse…,” Popo starts, and I know what she means.