necessarily have to be a timeline.” I twist my mouth, hyperaware that it sounds like I’m giving a speech. “But also, I know that sometimes I make decisions without really thinking them through. You know—like the almost-tattoo. And on the off chance I’m being impulsive, I don’t think I should jump into anything.” I pause. “Not right away. Not until I’ve thought it through.”
Vas smiles gently. “Impulsive? I never would’ve guessed.”
“Oh yeah,” I say with wide eyes. “I once spent one hundred and fifty dollars on yarn and crochet needles because the night before, I decided I was going to open an Etsy store and sell amigurumi Pokémon. All of it is still in my closet, untouched.”
His laugh makes his eyes crease, and he takes my hand. “I understand. And… I don’t want to be something you regret. Not even a little bit.”
I smile. “I don’t want to stop kissing you, though.”
“Well, that’s good news,” he says, leaning closer. “Because I happen to quite like kissing you.”
He closes his soft lips over mine, our fingers unwinding to explore the warmth of each other’s skin. When I feel his tongue against the curve of my neck and his fingers trailing up my spine, sparks devour my entire body.
We fall asleep tangled up beneath his blanket.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Everything okay?” Vas’s violin is tucked beneath his chin, but his bow hangs at his side.
I look back at Mom’s newest email for only a second—subject line: The time you fell from the chandelier—before locking the screen and letting my phone drop into my lap. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just my mom telling me a story I’d forgotten about.”
Vas’s violin falls from his neck like he’s handling glass. Careful but firm. It’s how I should be handling people’s feelings, if only I knew where to begin.
Maybe I have butterfingers, but with emotions. Maybe I’m not good at knowing the right things to say. The right way to handle with care.
Which sucks. Because I don’t want to hurt Mom. I don’t want to hurt anybody.
“Would you like to talk about it?” Vas flashes a smile. “I could make tea.”
I shake my head and smile back. “It’s nothing serious.” Vas sits down beside me anyway, violin and bow draped across his lap. I take a slow breath. “It was about the first time I fell in love with the circus.”
“So this is a memory of when you were an embryo?” His grin makes my entire body light up.
I nudge him with my shoulder and laugh. “Okay, well, the first time I realized I loved the circus. I was probably four or five. My parents had taken me to rehearsals, and I saw the aerialists with their static trapeze and silk ropes and hoops. It was like watching humans turn into fairies right in front of me. It was like peering into another world only I knew the secrets to.” I shrug. “So when I got home, I tried to re-create the act with a jump rope, a Hula-Hoop, and the chandelier that hung above the dining room table. It went about as well as you’re probably imagining.”
“Did the chandelier make it out alive?” he asks seriously.
I snort. “Nope. It detached from the ceiling, and I ended up on the floor crying my eyes out because I thought I was going to get in trouble. Which, I mean, my parents were upset, but not anywhere near as mad as I expected. My mom was just worried I had hurt myself. And my dad was more concerned with the damage done to the ceiling.
“But then a few days later, my parents took me to the park and showed me how to use the monkey bars. They said if I was going to be an aerialist, I needed to build upper body strength. So I practiced as much as I could, and they never complained about taking me to that park. Not even when I’d want to stay for hours on the weekend.”
Vas tilts his head thoughtfully. “So I guess in a way, your parents kind of encouraged you to pursue the circus.”
“In a way. Maybe.” I blink. “I’d never thought of it that way before. But they’ve always been so adamant about school. It always felt like they were on one side, and I was on the other.”
“Maybe they thought there was room to do both?” Vas offers.
My eyes fall back to his violin. “Like you with music?”
“My parents were strict, and there was no question that they wanted me to