“I know you’re probably mad because you thought this was my last chance, and you’re probably thinking having parents who run a circus would mean I had a million chances, but I didn’t. I came here because my parents wouldn’t let me train, and I couldn’t give up the circus. This isn’t just my last chance—it’s my only chance.” When I used to say the words in my head, and even to Popo and Mom, they felt like the entire truth.
But telling these things to Vas? The words are sticky. Tart. Foul.
I think my truth is rotten at its core.
“I understand if you regret giving up your music for me—” I start.
Vas spins around, eyebrows furrowed deeply. “I don’t care about the music!”
There’s broken glass in my chest, and every heartbeat hurts. “Then why are you so mad?”
“You shouldn’t hurt people you love. You shouldn’t hurt people who love you. There has to be rules for how we treat the people we care about. You’re acting like—” He stops himself. But he didn’t have to—I know what he was going to say.
He thinks I’m like Maggie.
I feel like everything that’s been building between us shatters.
And then I get angry back. “You don’t know everything. You’re making assumptions about me based on one bad thing I did—which I already admitted I know was bad! Whatever Maggie did to you isn’t the same as what I did. It doesn’t make us the same.”
“I don’t think you’re the same,” he says without hesitating, and I guess it’s a small relief. “But I also don’t think it’s okay to take whatever you want out of this world without thinking about how it might affect other people. How it might hurt them.”
I know if I sat and broke apart this conversation, I might be able to see that Vas is being triggered by something else. Something other than me. Maybe understanding that could’ve given me more patience.
But I don’t break apart the conversation. I don’t try to see where he’s coming from.
I mentally shove him toward Mom, Dad, Chloe, and everyone else who doesn’t agree with me and build up a wall to protect myself.
“My parents were making choices that were hurting me.” I cross my arms. “I’m not going to defend myself to you, and I don’t care what you think.” More lies. “I told you the truth because I thought you were my friend. Clearly, we don’t know each other as well as I thought we did. So forget it—let’s just go back to not talking. I’d rather not be friends at all than listen to you judging me like you know anything about my life.”
We go back to rehearsing, and the tension between us is so thick, it’s almost easy to not look at each other.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
Vas finds me at breakfast and tells me he has to work on the new composition, so we’ll have to skip the morning rehearsal.
To anyone else it probably looks like Vas is being his serious self, passing on information that doesn’t mean anything at all.
But they don’t know about our fight last night.
They don’t know that Vas used to look at me differently than he looked at everyone else, until I told him the truth about my parents and saw the version of myself in his eyes warp until I became unrecognizable.
To him, I didn’t just tell a lie. I am a lie.
“Lovers’ quarrel?” Vivien asks with a grin.
I snap back so quickly that even Dexi looks startled. “It’s not like that. We’re barely even friends.”
Vivien holds up her hands. “Sorry. It was just a joke.”
Dexi narrows her eyes at me, ready to defend Vivien. “You’ve been in a bad mood since last night.”
Oh my God, what am I doing? Am I going to set every relationship I have on fire?
I press my face into my bunched sleeves and sigh with regret. “I know, and I’m sorry. I’m tired, and stressed out, and I’m being rude.”
“Why don’t you take the night off?” Vivien offers, trying to smooth things over. “Your body could probably use a break.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “Simon wants to see our act next week. If it isn’t perfect, he’s going to hire someone else. I can’t afford a night off.”
Dexi leans in, head tilted to the side. “If it’s any consolation, you’re an incredible performer.”
I look up, surprised, and find Vivien nodding.
“It’s true. Everyone talks about it. They say it’s too bad Maggie left when she did, because