I turn to him and try to smile. Even though I miss my parents terribly, and I feel bad about what I did to get here, I love where I am. I love this place, and these people.
I love feeling like I’m a part of something that accepts me.
Somewhere I just fit.
“I feel like I’m home,” I say.
We sit quietly, listening to the cars emptying out of the parking lot, and I know when his fingers brush against mine that it isn’t an accident.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
I scroll through all of Mom’s emails. The ones I never answered. The ones I’ve been too ashamed to answer.
I’ve been so desperate to feel like a part of the circus—a part of this new family—that it distracted me from my own.
But things are different now. I’m accepted here.
I’m a part of Maison du Mystère, just like it feels so deeply a part of me.
So why does it feel like there’s suddenly a gaping hole in my chest?
I wonder if it’s always been there. Maybe I’ve just become good at ignoring it.
And I know the circus isn’t going to make me feel whole again. It isn’t going to fix the damaged parts inside me that I’ve neglected for far too long.
No.
There’s only one way to fix what’s wrong with my heart.
And it starts with me.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
It takes me forty-five minutes to finally hit the call button.
Mom’s number and photo appear on my phone, and I wonder for the entire time it takes her to answer if I’m making a mistake.
“Hello?” She sounds calm. Too calm.
“Hi. It’s me.”
Three excruciatingly long seconds pass. “I was wondering when you’d call,” she says finally. “How are you? Is everything okay?”
My eyes are already watering. “I’m fine. And—I’m sorry it took me so long to call.” I pause. “I’ve been busy,” I add, as if that’s supposed to make everything okay.
“Yes, I know,” Mom says, and I get the feeling there’s nothing about where I am and what I’m doing that’s a surprise to her.
“Did Popo tell you?” I ask quietly.
“Of course she did.” Mom sighs. “She let me read your emails. I wish you would’ve called.”
“I know.”
“I hate that you ran away,” Mom says, her voice picking up like her emotions are kicking in. I guess she could only contain them for so long. “It wasn’t right, leaving without saying goodbye like that. You don’t know what could’ve happened—what could’ve been the last thing you said to us.”
“I wasn’t in trouble,” I say. “It wasn’t like that.”
“You don’t have to be in trouble to get in a car accident,” Mom argues. “Not to mention you ran off with a strange man who had no right luring you away like he did.”
“He didn’t lure me,” I say, my voice picking up momentum. “I was the one who called him.”
Mom goes quiet. I guess I forgot to tell Popo that part. All this time they thought Simon was the one who sought me out.
I wonder if it would’ve been easier to let them think that—for all of us.
“I know it wasn’t right, but I didn’t have a choice. You and Dad wouldn’t listen to anything I said. And I couldn’t go to school—it would’ve killed me.” I shake my head despite the fact that she can’t see me. “I told you all of this before I left, and you didn’t care. I left because I couldn’t live my life around you. Because I couldn’t be myself around you.”
“It breaks my heart that you feel like that,” Mom says. “Because it’s not true.”
“It’s true to me,” I say. “That should matter.”
Mom sighs. “And what did your truth cost?”
I blink.
“We know copies of the set list went missing. And we know Simon Tarbottle doesn’t do favors unless he’s getting something bigger in return,” Mom says.
The tears burst out of me, and I’m engulfed in the shame I’ve spent weeks hiding from.
“Oh, Harley. How could you do that to your father? To me?” she asks, and it’s too gentle for what I deserve.
“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me,” I say through heavy sobs. “But I want you to know that I never would have done it if there was another way. But it was either ‘throw my life away and go to school’ or ‘join Maison du Mystère.’ Those were the only choices I had.”
“Nobody ever has only two choices,” Mom says, and her disappointment is big enough to fill a whole room.
“Well, you and Dad seemed pretty determined to only give me