it to me when I was a kid. It’s about two stars who were brothers—sons of the Golden King of the Heavens. One day they got in such a huge fight that they could no longer stand the sight of each other. So they take turns being in the sky, one appearing in the evening and the other in the morning.” I raise my shoulders. “It’s kind of like how I’ve always felt about my heritage. Like I can only be one thing at a time, and never all at once.”
Vas nods slowly. “Okay. So an act that represents two people wanting to be together again?”
“Maybe not wanting to be together, because that makes it sound like it’s romantic.” As soon as I say the word, my cheeks go pink because my blood is a total traitor. “It’s more about the push and pull of being unable to belong, even when you should. Like two people who should fit together, but don’t.”
“Conflict,” he says.
“Exactly,” I say.
A genuine smile spreads across his face, and I feel my heart lift. “I like it,” he says.
I smile back. “I take it we’re still on for rehearsal tonight?”
“Tonight? Try this morning.” He picks up his fork and motions to me. “You should probably eat something. You’re going to need the energy.”
I’m so excited about our new act that I hardly notice all the eyes staring at us, and how strange it must look to see me and Vas eating breakfast together and grinning like kids with a secret.
I can’t help but feel like this is the start of something wonderful.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Vas says to imagine we’re magnets. When our bodies are too far away, they’re pulled back together. But when we get too close, the feeling reverses, and we push away again.
We practice on the floor at first, holding our hands inches apart, mirroring each other’s movements.
I can’t help that my heart refuses to stay still.
Or that Vas’s woodsy scent is intoxicating.
Or that when we move the wrong way and our skin brushes against each other, I feel like I’m Tinker Bell exploding with pixie dust all over the room.
When we move to the bar, our hands grabbing arms and legs and bodies, we make sure our faces are always turned away.
When we practice, we are the evening and morning stars, refusing to look at each other for even a second.
But the rest of the time I can’t take my eyes off him.
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
To: FlightOfTheRedPandagmail
From: Delilah.Milanoteatrodellanotte
Subject: The time you brought me flowers
It wasn’t just one time. It was so many times. Every time you went outside, you’d come back with daisies and dandelions and sweet peas and anything else you could find. Because you always wanted me to know you were thinking about me, even when you were out playing with your friends.
I wish I’d made a bigger deal out of those flowers. I wish I hadn’t taken them for granted. I should’ve savored the moment—those moments when you were my little girl—because I don’t get that time back anymore. You’re grown up. You don’t bring me flowers anymore.
And that’s okay. I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. But maybe it could’ve lasted a little longer, if I’d told you how much it meant to me.
I miss you. It’s not fair that you won’t talk to me. Just like it’s not fair that time goes too quickly, and I can’t go back to those days and scoop you up in my arms and tell you how much I love you. Back then, you’d have listened to me.
Please talk to me. You don’t have to listen. But please talk to me.
Love, Mom
I feel brittle. Cold. Guilty.
I did a horrible thing to my parents, yet Mom is still here, trying to get me to talk to her. Trying to keep me in her life, in whatever small way she can.
She’s making an effort.
And I know it doesn’t mean she’s changed her mind about everything. It’s not like she sent an email telling me she doesn’t care about school anymore, and that it’s okay if I want to pursue a life in the circus. But she sends emails like she’s trying to remind me she loves me, even when I’ve cut her so deeply out of my life.
It wasn’t fair what I did.
It’s not fair what I’m doing.
Mom is right, and I don’t know what I could possibly say to make any of this better.
Because I’ve been ignoring the people in my life I love the most.