I feel my lips part, wanting words to exist between us. Wanting something to exist between us.
Vas’s fingers twitch at his hip, longing for something the way he longs for the touch of his violin.
I want to capture that longing, bottle it up, and press it close to my heart.
“I see the way you look at the circus. The way you look when you’re rehearsing, and you think nobody is watching. Like this is your only chance, and you’re so scared of it slipping through your fingers.” He tilts his head, hair falling across his eyes. “I want you to know that you don’t owe me an apology. I made a choice because I wanted to. Because I didn’t want to be the person who got in your way.”
My heart sinks into my stomach like it’s a black lagoon. Once again, my ambition is showing.
Vas isn’t trying to be cruel—he’s stating a fact. But knowing people can see me for what I am—a desperate person who wants to chase her dreams so badly, she isn’t even looking ahead to see who’s in her way—makes me feel so horribly guilty.
Ashamed, too, because I know what I did to my parents.
That wasn’t just ambition. That was betrayal.
Would Vas look at me the same way if he knew I didn’t just steal a set list, but I hurt my parents?
I’m too afraid to know the answer. Too ashamed that if I let Vas really see me, I won’t be able to pretend that what I did wasn’t so bad.
His eyes darken, sensing something has changed between us.
Or maybe I’m being silly to think anything’s changed, since that would imply there was something there to begin with.
“Thanks for showing me the view, but if it’s okay with you, I’d like to go home,” I say.
Home. A word that tastes so much like a lie.
Mobile, Alabama October—Week 9
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Me: Hey, long time no talk.
Me: Sorry it took me forever to write back. I’ve been mega busy.
Me: Are you still dating what’s-his-face?
Me: Hellooooo are you alive?
Chloe: His name is Jack.
Me: You’re there! Success!
Chloe: I’ve got a lot of homework right now.
Me: Okay, no problem. Talk to you later?
Chloe: Sure.
Maybe I should’ve just told her I miss my best friend, but I couldn’t figure out what words to use.
Our friendship doesn’t feel the same way it used to. I’m worried it’s my fault.
I guess I can add this to my list of things I keep screwing up.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
On Wednesday night I head to the big top to train. The Terzi Brothers wave from the Lunch Box as I walk past them. One of the clowns, too. Even Simon gives me a nod from nearby.
Everyone knows where I go at night. And it might not be written on a schedule, but it’s still my time. I’ve spent so many weeks hoping people would carve out a place for me, and it turns out I did it all on my own.
Well, mostly on my own.
Vas’s not being here still feels like there’s a missing piece—most noticeably because I can’t use the static trapeze to practice. But I have other things to work on now too.
The Terzi Brothers gifted me a set of juggling balls to practice with. Dexi has shown me a few new ways to stretch that have already made me feel more limber. And one of the clowns has been giving me lots of advice on stage presence and how to interact with the audience.
I no longer feel like a stranger here. I feel like I’m falling into place.
When I hear movement near the curtain, I look up from my handstand, certain the upside-down figure is going to be Vas with his violin.
Maggie’s purple curls make my brain do loop-the-loops, and then I’m right-side up with a look of pure confusion overtaking my face.
She makes her way to the center of the ring, her gait like she’s on a catwalk. “Not in the air today?”
I fight a scowl. “You know I’m not allowed to train without a spotter.”
She folds her graceful arms across her chest. “It’s not like you aren’t a fan of breaking rules.”
“Did you come in here just to give me a hard time about the set list? Everyone already knows, and they don’t care. So whatever attempts you had to poison everyone against me failed.” I shake my head irritably. “I don’t bother you during your rehearsals—don’t bother me during mine.”