of the excitement that is bursting through my body. Vas and Jin are right behind her, and it occurs to me that they might all be friends. My mind zooms into reverse, retracing words I said earlier, digging up every part of the conversation I had with Jin, and hoping desperately I didn’t say something that could make Maggie hate me even more than she already does.
Dexi called her a spoiled brat. Will I be guilty by association if Jin tattles?
I press my lips together, reminding myself I already have plenty to worry about without imagining fake scenarios in my head. I’m on edge. No, scratch that—I’m literally dangling over the edge.
She doesn’t look at me—not even when she walks right in front of me to find an open space in the crowd.
“Welcome to Arizona, everyone,” Simon says with a wide smile and his arms spread.
Everyone claps with mock enthusiasm, most of us still looking tired from the traveling.
“As you can see, the Lucky Thirteen were kind enough to get us some shade this morning. Now we just need the coffee machine up and running, and we’ll be ready to rock and roll.” A few people laugh, and Simon dives into a speech I get the feeling he says at every new venue. He talks about rehearsal times and costume checks, and he even reminds everyone about proper protection from the Arizona sun.
I’m trying to soak in every bit of it. The way everyone looks at one another like they’re family—some brothers and sisters, others very distant cousins a few times removed, but family all the same.
I hope they’ll look at me like that one day too. Because this place—the circus—it’s home to people who’ve never quite fit in anywhere else. It’s home to people who feel different. It’s home to people who see that magic doesn’t strictly exist in fairy tales.
When I look around, I know the magic is dormant in the rehearsal tent, where everyone is wearing gym clothes with their noses buried in the paper schedules. Right now, it’s more classroom than circus.
But the heart of the circus remains. The work ethic and drive and knowledge that every single person is here to do a job. Every single one of them brings their own unique spin to a show that’s going to transform this barren bit of landscape into something wonderful. All of them deserving of a place here because they are some of the most talented performers in their field.
Everyone except me, who is here because of a horrible betrayal.
I bury those thoughts down, down, down into a pile of imaginary dirt, and wonder instead how long it will take before they accept me as one of them.
If they’ll ever accept me at all.
Simon’s eyes scan the crowd, the green mossier and the amber more golden, until landing on me. “And last but not least, I’m sure you’ve all noticed our troupe has grown by one. If you haven’t already, please say a warm and friendly hello to Harley. She’s going to be shadowing Maggie, learning all the tricks of the trade.”
Shadowing. That’s what he’s calling it now. Like I’m a ghost and not a mentee.
Not family.
I barely hear the rumble of greetings meant for me. I’m biting the inside of my cheek, hoping my face won’t give away the horrible disappointment swarming through me.
Immediately following the meeting, Sasha takes Simon’s place in the center of the room and instructs everyone into a group warm-up. I take a place near Vivien and Dexi and try to convince myself that people are definitely not looking at me and whispering about what I did to get here.
Even though deep down I know they are.
Dexi swings her shiny black braid over her shoulder and stretches her arms toward her toes, grabbing hold of her ankles like it’s nothing. Vivien does the same beside her. I always thought I was flexible, but in comparison to everyone else? I’m practically a giraffe, impossible to bend.
When Sasha switches positions, we all copy him, stretching left and then right, and combining yoga poses with push-ups and mountain climbers.
Maggie never once looks at me, and I hate the way it rattles me. Like I’m someone who should be rattled.
I need her to like me. I need them all to like me.
I want to belong here more than I’ve ever wanted anything.
A ridiculous burst of courage overrides the worry in my head, and I walk a few yards away to where Maggie is—her leg bent