up again before trying to carry her. I don’t want to drop her.”
“That girl will suffer along with you if she has to,” Mills says through a dry chuckle. “Seriously, I can see it in her. She’ll do anything as long as she’s by your side but you’ve just fucked up. You shouldn’t have let her go like that—not without explaining yourself thoroughly. You could have at least gotten her to see it wasn’t her fault. It’s you and your fucked up feelings.”
“But you’re the one who told me we were rushing, Mills. Now you’re acting like it’s entirely my fault?”
“It is your fault!” he says, standing up straight. “Nolan, I understand you’re hurt about Mom—shit, I am too. I feel like a lame fucking idiot for getting drunk and slamming doors and shit but at least I didn’t break it off with Lorie. I told her I needed time and she was willing to give it to me but it doesn’t mean I don’t want her around me. I do want her around me but I don’t want her to witness this side of me. I know you feel the same way but you shouldn’t have told Natalie to come if you weren’t planning on making some changes in your attitude for her sake.” He shakes his head, taking a small step back. His grip tightens around his wine glass and his eyes swing from mine to the tall trees again. I stare at the bandaging around his hand before looking away.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you for keeping it going with her for this long. What I’m not fond of is that you literally pushed her away and hurt her while doing it. I love Lorie a lot and if she were to come down here, I wouldn’t have pushed her away. I would have tried to make do. I would have tried to be happier with her around, even when it hurts to be. I know she only wants the best for me. Natalie only wants the best for you. I’m sorry, but you fucked up and I feel bad for telling you all that shit now. I don’t know how you’re going to get her back.”
“But it’s not permanent,” I snap. “I just wanted space, Mills. It’s not like I wanted to break up forever. All I wanted was time to myself.”
“You may not think it’s permanent, but she does. Women don’t think like us. You’re still learning and I can understand that, but you didn’t have to make her feel unwanted. I saw it in her eyes how hurt she was and as she cried at the funeral, I knew she wasn’t crying about Mom. She was crying over your dumb ass.”
Before Mills bothers to say anything else, he turns for the balcony door again. “Mills,” I call, lowering my head.
He pauses on grabbing the door handle to look over his shoulder at me.
“What should I do?”
Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head. “Give her time to think about it. There’s nothing you can really do right now.”
“But shouldn’t I go and get her to talk to me before she leaves? Shouldn’t I at least call?”
“Are you seriously this fucking helpless?” he snaps. “No, Nolan. Just drop it. Call in a few days or a few weeks or something. All you’re going to do is confuse her—especially if you continue to act like a dick. If you’re really this hurt over Mom that you broke it off with Natalie just to have some time alone, how about you take it? How about you think about the stupid act you’ve just pulled with all of the time she gives you because I know for sure she isn’t going to talk to you for a few days. Mom’s death is nothing to take lightly but it wasn’t that serious to break it off with someone who only wanted to help you—with someone who loves you and would give up everything for you. You can’t let temporary feelings cause permanent situations, Nolan. It’s just not cool, man.”
Without another word, Mills yanks the balcony door open and it shuts behind him heavily. My gaze lowers from the door to the wooden floorboards below me and then it all comes to me.
He’s right. I’ve fucked up.
****
The first thing that comes to mind when I arrive at home is my bed. I just want to crash and sleep the rest of my night away.