on them. I don’t know whether I should be afraid or glad he’s calmed down that fast. He stares into my eyes briefly before finally tearing his gaze away to look down. “Natalie, I can’t do this,” he mumbles, shaking his head. His voice is faint, defeated.
“Do what, Nolan?”
“This. Us. I can’t right now.” His fingers stroke the flesh behind my ears and at the nape of my neck before he pulls away and runs his fingers through his hair. His gaze doesn’t drift from mine for one second. “I love you with all my heart—I swear I do—but I’ve never felt so low in my life. I’ve never hurt this bad over anything. This doesn’t even compare to my dad’s death. He was murdered and I lived through nightmares. As a child I envisioned every bullet that was shot in his direction, hitting him. I couldn’t get it out of my head that he had been shot to death—and it wasn’t even his fault. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. They mistook him for someone else and they just . . . shot him. I felt so alone and even while I’m with you, I feel alone and it shouldn’t be like this. I know it’s not your fault for trying but . . .”
Nolan’s eyes begin to glisten and my eyes water, too—not just from hearing about his dad’s murder but from him telling me that he can’t do us anymore.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Bunny. I don’t want to destroy this anymore than I have so I think it’s best if we take some time apart. I need space right now. I can’t deal with anyone’s emotions outside of my own.”
My chest constricts and not long after, the tears fall. So we’re breaking up? After four months of happiness and wholeness, we’re done? It just doesn’t feel real. I’ve never wanted this to happen because, if anything, it could be permanent. Nolan picked me up after being hurt once before but this has just crushed me completely. My heart is bursting and the pieces are scattering throughout my entire body. It’s a painful feeling—almost like glass stabbing at every part of me on the inside and I know that no matter how hard I try to stop it, it’s impossible. I can’t escape it. I can’t run from it. It hurts to have this intense feeling repeated.
Nolan pulls me into his arms and leads the way to his bedroom. The tears grow so heavy that I don’t even realize I’ve curled myself beneath the blankets and sheets of his bed. I feel so out of it. I remember him kissing my hair and stepping out of the room, but that’s it. He didn’t say a word. He just left me lying here.
I hate being in his room because I can smell him everywhere. My chest tightens again and the tears splurge. It’s back to square one again. It hurts like hell—especially since I’ve experienced it before. It’s what I get for opening myself up to him. I should have known he was going to hurt me one way or another.
Time passes and I don’t know when I fall asleep but I’m glad I do and I’m glad the sleep is dark and visionless. Most of my dreams are filled with Nolan’s eyes, lips, and even his body . . . but not tonight. Tonight there’s nothing but emptiness behind my swollen eyelids.
****
The funeral was short, sullen, and to the point. Nolan and Mills have more family than I thought but of course I was introduced to none of them as Nolan’s girlfriend. I hated that Nolan left before I had even awake. I had to ride with Mills to the funeral but I didn’t mind it. I was kind of glad I didn’t have to look at him. I was also glad I’d packed my sexiest black dress and heels. I made sure my hair was pinned elegantly with a few tendrils hanging loose. I caught him staring at me from across the grave as I placed my rose on the coffin but I refused to even look in his direction.
Although I can respect him for giving me the truth, I just can’t believe it. For the past four months we were more than happy with one another. Four months doesn’t seem like long but between Nolan and I it meant a lot. He called every night and when he did we