Hard Hit by Toni Aleo (IceCats #3) - Toni Aleo Page 0,74
woman I’m with, that I struggle with anxiety. But as I told her before when I spoke about meeting her parents, it’s part of the progression of our relationship. If she is going to love me—soon, I hope—then she’s going to have to know all about me. I don’t want to give her a false impression that I have a normal chemical balance in my brain because I don’t. Nothing wrong with that, but some don’t understand it, and I want to explain myself rather than have her assume.
I lick my lips nervously as I turn my gaze on Celeste. She loves me no matter what, so it’s easier to admit my truth this way. “I talked to Lilly.”
“Excuse me? What? When?”
“This morning, actually,” I confess, and the chopping stops.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Did you tell Willa?” I can hear the annoyance in her voice.
Still unable to look at her, I say, “I texted Willa what was discussed but nothing more.”
“Nothing more?” she asks. When I don’t elaborate, she demands, “Kirby, look at me.”
I swallow hard since looking at her is the last thing I want to do now. When I do, our eyes meet, and she tilts her head to the side. “What happened?”
I rehash the whole conversation, and Jaylin listens. With every word, I can see that annoyance morph more into pure anger. Her eyes narrow to slits, and she crosses her arms over her chest as she stands there listening. “And you know she only is saying that to be a hateful person and none of it is true, correct?”
I want to nod. I want to lie. I want to act like her words had no effect on me, but instead, I say, “Honestly, Jay, I have a tendency of thinking the same thing about myself, so hearing it fucked with me.”
“What? Why? Kirby, you’re incredible. You’re such a kind, smart, and gorgeous man. Perfect father and fantastic boyfriend. How can you think anything different?”
I’m unable to speak, my heart is pounding like mad, and then I see realization move across her face.
“You want to help Evan so much because you deal with the same thing.”
It’s an insane sensation to have someone just get you. To understand you and respect you. I love her so much. “I do, not to the magnitude that he does because I’ve learned coping skills and I know what I need to do to make the thoughts go away, but Lilly has always known what to say to cut me down and make me feel small. She plays on all the shit that hurts me.”
She nods. “It’s completely unfair that she does that, and I’m sorry she behaves that way. What can I do to make it better?”
I meet her gaze. “Just being here makes it better, Jay,” I admit, and she walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. “I tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, and I often fear I’m not good enough for anyone to stay for. I think that’s why it took so long for me to really fight for you.”
She cups my face, gazing up at me. “We are good. I promise you, Kirby. Our relationship is sound. I mean, I told my mom about you. I even called you my boyfriend—or manfriend, I can’t remember—but I admitted to being in a relationship with you. Don’t question us.”
I grin, cupping her ass in my hands. “I try not to. I know I asked you to stay and I know you’re not ready, but I worry that’s one of those things that’ll fuck with me. Like, why can’t I be your safe haven? I go over it again and again. How can I make it better for you because I don’t want you to leave? Ever. I want you here. Forever—” I pause, pressing my lips together. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like I’m guilting you. I’m not. I just want you. All the time.”
She runs her fingers along my jaw, her eyes soft. But I can see the fear in them. “I want the same, Kirby. I do. But the sleeping-over thing is a shitshow for me. I swear I am trying. I stay here all day, but then it gets to nighttime, and I freak. I just feel so exposed, not in my bed. Maybe I need to go back to therapy for it.”
“I’ve done a lot of therapy.”
“I have too,” she says grudgingly. “I didn’t like it that much.