I move on to another, and another, until I’ve cut down almost a dozen. The work is tiring, and sweat coats my skin as I chop the fallen trees into logs with the anticipation of creating a roaring fire. Something about watching the flames calms me, and right now, I need to smother the unrest roiling inside me.
Tossing the logs into a pile, I realise what a mishan I was back there. Sev and Harlow are grown individuals. Should they wish to mate, who am I to judge them or tell them no?
You are no one. You’re worthless. Why would she want you when she can have your elon?
“Vekk!” I shout into the air, that hateful voice back in my head. But it’s right.
I’m vekking no one.
I’ve never been anyone.
And I never will be.
Maybe I should just run away and never return, save them from having to tiptoe around me and my unchained emotions. I thought after almost dying in the river that things would change inside my head, but it hasn’t. Nothing has changed. You can’t fix something that’s beyond repair. And that’s what I am.
Vekking damaged.
Broken.
Shattered.
An empty shell devoid of anything worth saving.
I sniff back the tears that threaten to fall, unwilling to let a single drop leak from my eyes. I don’t deserve to cry. I deserve to rot.
You are a fool to think she’d ever want you. They are better off without your annoying presence. You are dead weight they have to drag around. You infect their world with your darkness. You’ll see. Stay out here. No one will come for you.
The tears drip, and I collapse to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest as the desperation to find my happiness crumbles around me. My heart shatters, my mind obliterates, and my thoughts become all-consuming, knowing I’m unwanted, unloved.
It’s what you deserve. Murderer. Betrayer. Deserter.
“Just vekking take me!” I shout into the wind, not wanting to live this meaningless existence any longer. It hurts too much. I’m always the second choice, always left out. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll find a jabekk nest and I’ll enter it unarmed, letting the beasts take me.
Sniffing, I feel a calm wash over me, knowing my plight is at an end. Tonight will be my last night on Oxious. Tomorrow, I will join my lost elons on the other side.
Gathering my fresh cut lumber and skinning the bark for kindling, I make a raging fire. I sit and stare at the flames, letting them calm my mind as I come to peace with my decision.
I’m not just doing this for me, I’m doing this for them. I don’t want to be a burden on them any longer. Sev has dealt with me long enough, and the human, Harlow, deserves better. Sev will take good care of her, and they will be happy together without me ruining everything.
As the day turns to night, I catch a small game animal and skewer it, roasting it over my fire.
My last meal.
While it cooks, I rest my head against a tree, my eyelids feeling heavy with exhaustion. I close my eyes and begin to drift off when I feel something, a tingling in my skin. At first, I wonder if I’ve sat on a myt nest, and I scour my skin for the little red insects but see nothing.
Then, when a lavish scent mists the air, I know what’s coming.
Her…
For a moment, I consider running again.
But I’m so tired. So very tired. Tired of running from my emotions. Tired of existing.
I’m done.
So I sit and turn the meat over on the fire, ignoring her mortek when he prowls around my fire, and ignoring her when she sits down several feet away from me.
I don’t spare her a glance. I’m too mad. Too hurt. Too undeserving.
But vekking hell, her scent…
It makes my mouth water, my cock spring to life. It forces the mating venom to leak from my fangs.
Swallowing the venom, I suppress the itching in my fingers that’s desperate to feel her skin against my own. I stare into the flames, my teeth clenched hard, all my muscles tense as I force myself to remain still.
Unaware of my plight, Harlow inches closer, her mortek on the opposite side moving with her. From my peripheral vision, I can see her petting the beast’s head, and I still wonder how the fuck a human was able to tame a wild beast like she has.