‘She is not your father’s daughter,’ Rose repeats.
‘But Mum, I know that she is.’
Rose looks at her, momentarily stupefied. ‘How could you possibly know something like that?’
Lauren shifts, unable to look her mother in the eye. ‘Because it’s in her DNA.’
8
Kate
It’s taking all of Kate’s willpower not to fall asleep during the conference meeting. She can hear her editor’s monotone voice drifting in and out of her psyche, something about an American pop star dating an electrician from Croydon, but she doesn’t feel present in her surroundings. At one point, her head drops unconsciously onto her chest. A sharp elbow in her ribs rouses her enough to sit up straight and she looks at Amy beside her, confused, but thankful.
‘Rough night?’ asks her colleague as they file out of the boardroom.
Now Kate comes to think of it, she doesn’t feel well, and she instinctively puts a hand to her stomach. Her mind has been so preoccupied by yesterday’s events that she had hardly given the baby a second thought.
Her brain goes into overdrive, recalling the significant dates of the last three IVF attempts. How could she not have remembered that day seven, today, was usually the day she found out she wasn’t pregnant.
She immediately feels a tug in her groin, as if a weight is pulling her down to the floor. If it was her first cycle, she’d optimistically think that it was a psychosomatic symptom that came with anxiously willing herself to be pregnant. But on her fourth, she knows it’s the prelude to a heart-wrenching visit to the toilet.
As Kate rushes to the bathroom, she’s riddled with guilt that she’s allowed Jess’s appearance to monopolize her thoughts. But in the split second that follows, she acknowledges that it’s almost a relief to have something else to worry about. For three years, every waking moment has been filled with the anticipation, excitement and the ultimate disappointment that descends on her when she finds out she’s not pregnant. It’s been a never-ending cycle of hope and despair, and these two weeks, after the embryo transfer and before the pregnancy test, is always the worst. She suspects that it’s because she has nothing to do except wait, which after months of injections, appointments and scans, feels interminable.
She lets out an audible ‘Oh,’ when she realizes that nothing appears to be wrong, and calls Matt from the cubicle, suddenly desperate to hear his voice.
‘Hey, you okay?’ he asks nervously when he picks up the phone. Maybe he knows what day it is too.
‘Yeah, just tired,’ says Kate.
Matt lets out a deep breath. ‘That’s a good thing, no?’
‘I guess,’ she says. ‘Unless you’re me. How’s your day going?’
‘Well, so far I’ve interviewed five applicants for a job I know they’re not going to get within a minute of shaking their hands.’
‘That bad, eh?’ sighs Kate.
‘Honestly, I can’t tell you,’ says Matt, laughing. ‘They may well have all the right qualifications on paper, but put them in front of a human being and they can barely make eye contact.’
‘That’s because they’re much more at ease engaging with a computer screen or mobile phone,’ she says. ‘They can’t communicate in normal social situations. This is the way it’s going to be from now on.’
‘And yet this is the world we’re preparing to bring a baby into.’
Kate can’t tell him that the same thought kept her awake sometimes, wondering whether they were doing the right thing.
‘How many more interviews have you got this afternoon?’ she asks.
‘Thankfully only three more. I’d like to at least feel today hasn’t been a complete waste by the time I leave the office, but I’m not holding out much hope.’
‘Well, good luck.’
‘Thanks – I’m going to need it. How are you feeling about what happened yesterday? You spoken to Lauren or your mum yet?’
‘I spoke to Lauren earlier – she’s gone to see Mum this morning. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it is. I mean, my dad would have never . . . He just wouldn’t.’
‘And what’s Lauren’s take on it?’ asks Matt. ‘Does she share your confidence?’
‘You know Lauren,’ says Kate wearily. ‘Her and Dad never really saw eye to eye, so I’m sure she’s more than happy to pick this up and run with it for as long as she can. But it’s honestly the most ridiculous