Gump and Co - By Winston Groom Page 0,37

sayin?"

Standin behin the Ayatolja was two guys in baggy-lookin diapers, have big swords in they belts, an one of em say, "Don't you never call the Ayatolja a 'sombitch.' He might figger out what it means an then we gotta chop off your heads."

In this, I figger he is correct.

Anyhow, I am tryin to break the ice, so to speak, so I ast the Ayatolja how come he is always so fierce an mad-lookin an scowlin all the time?

"It is because," he say, "that for thirty years I have been tryin to become president of the World Council of Churches, an them heathen assholes won't even let me in! Who is more religious than the Ayatolja, anyhow?"

"Why you let that worry you?" I ast, an he says back, "On account of I am a dignified feller, an don't take no shit off nobody, an who is these turds that will not let me in the World Council of Churches? I am the Ayatolja of Iran, after all. I am a big cheese, you dummy."

"Now, wait a minute," say Colonel North. "My man Forrest, here, might not be the brightest feller around, but you oughtn't be callin him names."

"The Ayatolja does whatever he wants - You don't like it, kiss my ass."

"Yeah, well, I am a marine colonel and I don't kiss asses."

At this, the Ayatolja commenced slappin his thighs an bust out laughin.

"Very good, Colonel, very good. I think we can do some bidness here."

Anyhow, Colonel North done start explainin his deal to the Ayatolja.

"Look here," he says, "some of your fellers over in Lebanon done took a bunch of our people for hostages, and it is causin considerable embarrassment to the President of our United States."

"Oh, yeah," the Ayatolja says. "So why don't you just go over there and get em out?"

"It ain't that easy," the colonel says.

The Ayatolja begun to chuckle. "Really. Tell me about it. I know somethin about hostage takin mysef, you know. Look what happened when that other numbnuts president of yours came over here an tried to screw with our hostage-takin enterprise. What was his name...?"

"It don't matter, he ain't there anymore," say the colonel.

"Yeah, I know all about that, too!" The Ayatolja begun to laugh again, an slap his thighs.

"Well, that may be true," the colonel says, "but look here, we gotta get down to bidness. Time is money, you know?"

"What is time to the Ayatolja?" he say, holdin his palms up in the air, an just about then, one of them fellers with the baggy underpants an the swords beat twice on a huge gong, sort of like the one Mrs. Hopewell, from the CokeCola scheme, had in her rubdown room.

"Ah, speakin of time," announces the Ayatolja, "we are about ready for lunch. You boys had anythin to eat yet?"

"No, sir," I piped up, an Colonel North, he gave me a dirty look.

"Well, then," the Ayatolja shouts, "let the feast begin!"

At this, about a hundrit A-rabs come runnin into the room carryin trays an platters of all kinds of shit, an it is the most mysterious-lookin food I have ever seen. They is big heaps of what appear to be salami wrapped in cabbage an hams an olives an fruits an maybe cottage cheese or somethin - an I don't know what-all else. They laid it all down in front of us on a big Persian rug an stood back with they arms folded across they chests.

"Well, Mr. Gump, and what would you like to eat?" says the Ayatolja.

"Maybe a ham sambwich," I answered.

"Father of God!" screams the Ayatolja. "Don't say them kinds of things in here! We people ain't ate no nasty ham in three thousand years!" He begun wavin his hands an scowlin again.

Colonel North be givin me the real evil eye now, an from the corner of my own eye, I seen them fellers in the baggy diapers have begun drawin they swords. I figger I have said somethin wrong, so I says, "Well, how about a few of them olives or somethin."

A feller begun collectin a plate of olives for me, an I am thinkin that this is okay, too, account of I reckon I ate enough ham back at the pig farm to last me a lifetime.

Anyhow, when the food was served to Colonel North, he begun eatin it with his fingers an oohin an ahin about how good it was, an I picked up a olive or two an put em in my mouth. The Ayatolja