In the bath, she leant against him, her back on his chest, watching the restless switch and turns of the tides. Their mood had become sombre.
‘This really is just a one-off?’ Ferdia asked.
‘It really is. I’m repeating myself but I need to get my head straight. I’ve done things I don’t approve of. And I don’t want to do them again. Me staying single for a long time is the right thing. Like, it’s necessary. But being with you … it’s been the best. Thank you.’
‘Nell, if you wanted, I could wait for you.’
This was kind of breaking her heart. ‘One day when you’re, like, forty-seven and you’ve lived several more lifetimes, you might vaguely remember this. Same for me. The memory will be happy. But small. A tiny, shiny gem in the mosaic of our lives. That’s what we are to each other.’
He nodded silently, his chin touching her head.
‘In my mosaic you can be an obsidian,’ she said. ‘That’s dark, nearly black.’
‘What are you? Tell me one that’s rare and beautiful. Gold-coloured.’
‘Citrine? Tiger’s eye?’
‘Tiger’s eye. I like the sound of that.’
After further silence, he said, ‘So when you get on the train, we block each other’s number, contacts, everything?’
‘Yes.’
At the small, draughty station, waiting to say goodbye felt too awful.
‘Ferd? It’s better if you don’t wait with me.’
‘I should go?’
‘It’s just, the whole waving-me-off thing? It feels a bit World War Two.’
‘Got it.’
‘Bye,’ she said. ‘Thank you. You’re … you know … great.’
‘And you’re fucking amazing.’
‘But promise that you won’t “wait” for me.’
‘I won’t wait for you.’ He was resigned to this, she saw. It was good.
‘Tiny, shiny gems?’ he said.
‘That’s it. Tiny, shiny gems.’
Eight Months Later
It was a sunny June evening and a few kids were out playing football on the green. As Ed cycled towards the house he used to live in, he spotted Vinnie, sprinting towards the ball.
… And was that Cara? Tearing up the grass, just behind Vinnie.
God, it was.
It was quite a while since he’d seen her so carefree.
It was … great?
Since he’d moved out, they’d kept to their promise of civilized co-parenting. Their only contact was a series of brief, painful intersections, always to do with Vinnie and Tom. The boys spent every second weekend with Ed. These days, he was living in a small caravan in a corner of Johnny’s giant back garden. It was an unorthodox solution to his housing problem, but it cost almost nothing and the kids – being kids – loved it.
On a day-to-day basis – work, money, childcare – he and Cara were managing.
Two nights a week Cara went to a support group run by the hospital; Ed spent that time with the kids. But he tended to avoid Cara. It was just too painful.
On a night such as this, when she was going out, she’d slide past him in the hall, with a quick, nervous smile. When, a couple of hours later, she returned home, they’d exchange another wobbly smile. Then he’d disappear.
He never asked questions about her treatment. Whatever Cara did or didn’t do, it had to be for her alone. Harsh though it sounded, it was none of his business.
In the house, Tom was at the kitchen table, reading a hefty hardback. ‘Hi, Dad,’ he said. ‘Did you see her out there? Football? I feel like I don’t even know her any more.’
Ed managed a laugh.
‘Ed!’ Cara tumbled in through the front door. ‘Ed?’
‘Kitchen.’
‘So sorry.’ She was glowing. Vibrant. ‘Lost track of the time out there.’
Mutely, he nodded. This was the most eye-contact they’d had in months.
‘Quick shower,’ she said. ‘And I’ll be off.’ Then she frowned. ‘You okay?’
He forced a smile. ‘Course. Grand.’
‘’Kay.’ She hurtled up the stairs. Ten minutes later the hall door slammed shut behind her and she was gone.
Ed switched on the oven to prepare the boys’ dinner. His hands had a slight shake.
He and Cara were done. It was over and he knew it.
For the last eight months, he’d trudged through his days, doing what needed to be done. Give him a task and he’d do it. Tell him to show up at a particular time and place and he’d be there. But his future was a blank expanse.
He never wondered if he’d meet someone else. Nor was there any hope, tucked away in a tiny corner of his heart, that one day Cara would be well enough for them to be together again. Life was simply about survival in the short term.