yeah. But it’s not really normal. Anyway. Soon as it’s a sensible time I’m gonna call Mum and Dad, see if they’ll take me in while I look for another gaff.’ Weakly she punched the air. ‘So winning at life.’
‘Stash your gear with them, but you can stay here if you want.’
‘Could I? That would be the best. Just for a couple of weeks.’
‘Whatever you need. What will you do about the young lad?’
‘I feel so bad about him. He’s … great. But he’s too young and I’m obviously a bit mad, and starting a thing with someone else would be the worst.’ She eyed her phone. ‘I need to tell him.’
‘Do it. I’m getting a glass of water. Room’s all yours.’
‘Oh, God.’ Then, ‘Okay.’
Ferdia answered immediately. ‘Nell? Are you okay? Can we meet?’
‘Ferdia. Ferd. Listen, I need to say this. You and I, we need to stop. I’ve got to sort my head out.’
‘Uh. Um. God …’ He sounded shocked. ‘I thought we were going to –’
‘That’s my bad. It’s like I was insane for a while. Now I’m sane again and I don’t like the way I’ve been acting. I don’t understand it. I need to stay out of relationships.’
‘I was hoping –’
‘I know. I’m sorry. But you’ll get over it quickly. You’re –’
‘– young. So people keep telling me. I wish we’d had a chance to … But, hey, okay. I get it. Just, you’re great.’
‘And you’re great too. You’re the best.’
‘Okay. Gotta go.’
Quickly she hung up, feeling almost euphoric that this unpleasant thing had been done with dignity.
At about 6.30 a.m., Ed and Cara got home to a cold, empty house. Exhausted, they traipsed up the stairs and into their bedroom.
‘Do you need anything?’ he asked.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Try to get some sleep. I’ll wake you in four hours, just to check you’re okay.’
‘… Aren’t you coming to bed?’
‘Not in this room.’
Then she’d known. She waited.
‘I’m leaving you,’ he said gently. ‘You know that?’
She nodded.
‘I’m sorry.’ He began to cry.
‘Sweetie, don’t. Please. It’s okay.’
Something strange had happened to her over the last several hours, as if weeks of tension had come to a head, then burst, blowing away all her self-hatred, her resentment at being labelled, her distance from Ed. For the first time in months, her love for Ed, the real, unsullied version, had rushed back in, like a delayed high tide.
She’d also had an unprecedented overview of her problem with food: she had no control. She couldn’t fix herself – and Ed couldn’t fix her either.
‘If I stayed,’ he said, ‘I’d be complicit … The most important thing is that you get better. For you and for the boys. More important than me or us or …’
Lots of people wouldn’t understand his actions – they’d think he was deserting her when she most needed help. But she wasn’t one of them. Being without him was going to be horrible. Right now she was unable to imagine the depth of the loss. But this was all her own doing. Some part of her had known they were going to end up exactly here. He had told her he couldn’t cope with her starting again – and he’d never been one to fling around meaningless threats.
From the very first time she had lied to him about Peggy, they’d been headed towards this very outcome. She’d known it and she hadn’t been able to stop.
‘Get some sleep, honey,’ he said. ‘I’ll be next door.’
‘Morning, Mum! All fine, but bit of bad news. Liam and I have broken up.’
‘Nell, love.’ Angie’s voice was soft. ‘Everyone has big, shouty arguments. You think it’s the end of the world but –’
‘Seriously, Mum, we’re done. We’ll be getting divorced.’
‘Oh, Nell! How can we help? Hold on, Dad wants to know what’s –’ Nell heard Angie’s muffled voice say, ‘Nell and Liam have split up. They’re getting a divorce.’
Then Petey’s muffled reply: ‘I never liked the chap.’
Petey took the phone. ‘Ah, dear. Ah, dear, dear, dear, Nellie. That’s sad now, so it is. Are you okay? Because that’s all that matters. Lookit, that wedding of yours at the North Pole probably wasn’t even legal. There was a thing on Joe Duffy about people taking their kids to see Santy there and even the snow wasn’t real, never mind the elves. You can live with us. We can do the telly bingo together, like we used to.’
‘Dad, you’re the best. But I’m going to kip at Garr’s place.’
Petey’s brief silence spoke volumes. ‘Garr?’ he demanded.