But by now she was almost convinced she hadn’t an eating disorder and it felt dishonest to be a patient of this hospital.
‘How are you and Ed?’ Peggy asked.
Cara flinched. It was impossible to put it into words. Sometimes she was angry with him for setting this whole circus in motion. Mostly, though, they couldn’t seem to connect in their old, effortless way. They were trying to communicate but it was as if they were both sealed inside individual sound-proofed bubbles.
‘Peggy, can we finish here for today? I’m absolutely shattered.’
‘Twenty minutes early?’ Peggy gave her another of those gimlet-eyed stares. ‘So? Next week?’
‘I can’t. Vinnie. Has an appointment. With a specialist. About his possible ADHD.’
‘Let’s fix another time next week.’
‘Sorry, I can’t. They’ve been so good to me in work and it doesn’t feel right to ask for more time off.’
After a silence weighty with disapproval, Peggy said, ‘Addiction is a disease of denial. It tells you that you don’t have it.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘This time two weeks?’
‘Absolutely. This time two weeks.’
As she got up to leave, Cara felt a pang. Peggy had been very kind to her. She felt sad that she wouldn’t be meeting her again.
‘See you tomorrow,’ Nell called to Lorelei.
‘Where you going? It’s only six o’clock!’
‘Nephew’s birthday dinner.’
‘So you take a half-day?’
‘Ha-ha-ha.’ She was so nervous. ‘Bye.’
It’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool, she thought. I’ve totally got this. Just show up, say happy birthday, give him the gift, then go play with the kids. No one will guess anything.
At home, she let herself in. ‘Hey,’ she called out to Liam. ‘Let’s go.’
But he looked bedded in for the evening.
‘You really going to that prick’s birthday?’ he said.
She took a breath. ‘Liam, they’re family.’
‘Not yours.’ He’d been trying to hurt her. If only he’d known. ‘I’m not going,’ he said.
‘Well, I am.’
He frowned. ‘Wha-at? Really? Driving or cycling?’
‘Bus.’ She felt too wobbly to chance driving or – more insane still – cycling through rush-hour traffic.
‘Wow.’ His back was still tricky after the holiday. ‘I’d love to be able to jump up on the bike and get a good cycle in.’
‘You’ll be better soon.’
‘Since when were you a doctor?’
‘Hurry up, Mum,’ Vinnie said, as Cara let herself into the house. ‘We’re ready to go to TJ’s.’
‘Hello, sweetie.’ Ed kissed her. ‘How did you get on with Peggy?’
‘You know, Ed …’ This could be a good time to drop it lightly into the conversation. There’s no need for me to see her. I think I’ll stop. ‘I’m feeling fine. I don’t need to keep going.’
‘Honey.’ He looked haunted. ‘She’s your lifeline, you absolutely have to –’
‘But I’m doing so well. No compulsions. I’m back to normal.’
‘Please don’t stop. Not yet. Sticking with Peggy will give you a much better chance of not relapsing.’
She wished he wouldn’t say words like ‘relapse’: he made it sound so much more serious than it was.
‘Honey, I love you so much.’ He looked dog-tired. ‘But if you start with the food again, I’d have to leave. If I stayed, I’d be enabling you –’
‘That’s not going to happen.’
But today was clearly too soon to change his mind.
When she’d skipped a few sessions and was still sticking to her plan, she’d have proof that she really was better. She’d tell him then.
Outside Jessie’s house, Nell faced facts: Perla would be here. Since this insanity had kicked off, she’d become crazy-jealous of Perla. But she could not let it show. A deep breath, a slow exhale, then she was okay to ring the bell.
The sound of running feet came thumping down the hall. ‘Nell’s here!’
The door was wrenched wide and Nell was swept into the kitchen by a flotilla of the younger cousins.
… There he was, taller than everyone else. She couldn’t look at him.
No sign of Perla yet.
‘Nell, Nell, Nell!’ Jessie grabbed her in a hug. ‘Have some wine. Hey. Where’s Liam?’
‘His back is still bad …’ She made herself focus on Ferdia. ‘He says sorry.’
‘Covering his ass?’ He smiled. ‘You do know you’re waaaaay too good for him.’
Her face flooded with heat. ‘Happy birthday.’ She gave him a chunky box.
She focused on his fingers as he carefully unknotted the ribbon and slid his nail under the Sellotape. Every movement of his beautiful hands had her mesmerized.
‘What’s in here?’ Easing away the Sellotape, he gave her a quizzical look.
Methodically he peeled the wrapping paper off the box and removed the lid. Inside was a hand-carved toy