ginormous bouquet could be delivered here instead of the office. Then he rang the expensive restaurant and cancelled the lunch reservation he’d pleaded for yesterday. Objectively speaking, he must have felt this awful at some other point in his life, but he couldn’t remember when.
Spurts of panic kept erupting in his stomach – what if she never forgave him? Worse than the fear, though, was witnessing her pain – pain that he’d caused. Soppiness had never been their thing. Instead they demonstrated their love by making fun of each other. They were both resilient but she had always seemed almost un-hurtable – and that had fooled him into complacency.
The long and short was that this was a big, big birthday. Jessie had survived so much. She supported them all. She deserved a song and dance.
Tightening their belts was a commendable objective but Jessie’s fiftieth birthday was the wrong time to launch it.
He couldn’t remember them ever before having a bust-up like this. Countless times when they were tired and had too much on, they’d snapped at each other, even had a bit of a rant, but it had been out of short-lived frustration rather than a deep wound.
When the flowers arrived at the house, he was both grateful and terrified to have a pretext to pester her. He climbed the stairs and knocked lightly on the door.
She lay on her back, her eyes open.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘How are you now?’
‘Thinking about leaving you.’
He had to press his hand against the wall. ‘Jessie. Please don’t. Let me make this up to you.’
‘How d’you think you’d get on without me? You’d be grand, wouldn’t you?’
‘I wouldn’t.’ He swallowed hard. ‘Jessie, I’d be lost. I’d be heartbroken.’
‘You’d miss me bossing you around, running your life, but that’s all.’
‘Seriously, Jess, that’s the last –’
‘What’s going on, Johnny? You were upset and weird in Mayo. What was up with you?’
‘… Just Dad and that. And I felt sad and old.’
‘Why?’
‘Maybe because I am. Old anyway.’
‘Look, are you having an affair?’
This was the moment, the chance … ‘No.’
‘Affair’ was the wrong word.
‘Then what’s going on? Is it my fault?’
‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘Johnny, if you want us to stay together, you’d better tell me what’s up with you.’
‘Okay.’ A breath. ‘I’m worried about money. We spend so much, and after the Hagen Klein thing – yeah, I know you rescued it, but it could have gone so badly wrong. I think Mason and Rionna are right about the website.’
‘Oh.’ Her voice was, once more, cold.
‘You asked.’
‘If I’m emasculating you, you can work for someone else.’
‘Who’s talking about you emasculating me? Oh, Jess! You promised not to read the comments.’
‘Well, I did! I do! So off you go, get another job, I don’t care.’
‘I don’t want another job. I love you, but I’m very bad at showing it. I promise you I’ll do a lot better. I’ll just stick these flowers in a vase.’
‘I can think of somewhere else you can stick them.’
SIXTY-FOUR
‘Mum?’ Someone was knocking on the bedroom door.
Dozily, Jessie came to. It was gone six o’clock, she must have fallen asleep.
‘Mum?’ It was Ferdia. He stepped around the door. ‘Can I come in?’
‘You’re already in,’ she said. ‘Have you my present?’
He seemed startled but handed over a flat, A4-sized parcel: a framed photo of Ferdia and Johnny, their arms around each other, looking like they were the best of friends. ‘I’m sorry I’ve made it so hard, Mum. With Johnny, I mean. He’s a good guy, he always was. My behaviour has been heinous.’
‘A day late and a dollar short, Ferd. I’m leaving him.’
‘Whatnow? Mum … Are you serious?’
After a long pause she said, ‘Probably not. But thinking about it is making me feel nice.’
‘Do we not grow out of that stuff?’
‘Doesn’t look like it.’
They both laughed.
‘Will you come down for dinner?’ he asked. ‘They’re all morto, the girls. And Johnny, of course,’ he added.
‘Good enough for them.’ But what the hell? She’d got bored holding the grudge.
In the kitchen, at the table, everyone looked sheepish.
‘We’re crap children,’ TJ said.
‘We don’t really get enough pocket money to buy you something good.’ This from Bridey.
‘But we love you, Mum,’ Dilly said. ‘I think you’re aces.’
‘And I actually bought you something myself.’ Saoirse slid a small parcel across the table. ‘It’s a dream-catcher!’
‘Thank you, Saoirsh. Bunnies, it’s all grand,’ Jessie said. ‘I’m sorry I cried earlier.’
‘Are you going through the change?’ Bridey asked.
‘The what?’ TJ said.
‘It happens to ladies of Mum’s age. They dry up and act weird with