Was that really Saoirse who’d shouted that? Civilization was breaking down here.
‘I did something to my calf when I was running.’
‘Come over and show me.’
Moments later a man in a black coat, black hat and carrying a doctor’s bag hurried into the room. It was Clifford. He performed a cursory examination on Muiria, before declaring, ‘Lady Ariadne Cornwallis is dead! Poisoned! And you are all suspects!’
‘Does that mean we’re not getting any dessert?’ Jessie heard Annette ask quietly, and she was afraid she was going to start laughing and not be able to stop.
‘Do the decent thing,’ the doctor commanded. ‘Avert your gaze while young Micah and I remove the poor lady’s corpse.’
But this was too good to miss.
‘Avert it!’ he said. ‘I must insist, hai.’
But no averting took place and a very much alive-looking Lady Ariadne was hustled from the room.
Dr Clifford returned. ‘While we wait for the detective, pudding will be served for those with the stomach to eat it.’
Which was all of them.
SIXTY
‘Like, obviously that young fella Micah did it!’ Phyllida Bundle-Bunch cried.
‘Yeah, he was the one with the tray of drinks.’
‘But young Micah,’ Clifford, now dressed up as ‘Inspector Pine’, tried to be heard above the racket, ‘I said, YOUNG Micah had never met Lady Ariadne previously.’
‘But he had the tray of –’
‘… it was a sudden twisty feeling, then a dart of terrible pain.’ Martin had rolled up his trouser leg and was demonstrating his wounded calf to Liam.
‘I see … yeah. So does it hurt if I do … this?!’ Liam poked his finger into the fleshy bit of Martin’s calf and Martin howled with pain.
‘Any one of you could have slipped poison into her glass!’ Inspector Pine yelled.
‘But no one had more opportunity than Micah there.’
‘Christ in the Prada shop!’ Mary-Laine’s eyes were far too bright in her hot face. ‘Is he still going on about the pain in his leg? He should try pushing out a TEN-POUND BABY!’
Cara felt as if she were watching this whole scene – the over-lit room, the red-faced people, the ridiculous costumes – from a distance.
‘Pulled muscle …’ she heard Liam saying.
‘It wasn’t me,’ Micah said.
‘It wasn’t him.’ Inspector Pine was adamant. ‘It is one of you here in this room!’
‘Maybe it was me?’ Jessie said. ‘I have been feeling murderous.’ She flicked her eyes until they landed on Johnny. Cara watched as he quailed.
‘Can you work on it?’ Martin asked. ‘I can pay you.’
‘No charge for a friend of Johnny’s.’
‘I’m not actually a friend of Johnny’s.’
‘We must work together to solve this dastardly crime!’ Inspector Pine yelled plaintively. ‘You must all split into teams of two. I SAID, YOU must –’
‘I’ve never really liked Johnny. My wife is friends with Jessie. That’s how we’re here. So you’d better charge me.’
It was like picking up signals from several radios, Cara felt. There was too much noise and talk.
‘– in order to help me to reveal the identity of the murderer.’
‘Okay. Fifty euro?’
‘Hold on there, Tonto. That’s a bit steep.’
‘Where’s the wine?’ Jessie said.
‘You can buy more.’ Inspector Pine sounded panicked.
‘You mean the all-inclusive stuff is gone?’ Johnny asked.
‘For tonight. You’ll get more tomorrow night. Now, to solve the murder mystery –’
‘Well, how much do you want to pay?’
‘I won’t know until you’ve finished. If you fix me, I’ll pay you forty.’
‘Can we see the wine list?’ Johnny asked.
‘There’s no wine list.’ Poor Inspector Pine was unravelling. ‘But you can have the dinner wine for fifteen pounds a bottle. Deal?’
‘You know what? Fuck you.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah. Fuck you. I offer you my expertise, free gratis for nothing, and you insult my brother, then haggle over a service I offered for nothing –’
‘Good. Grand,’ Johnny said. ‘Start us off with six of white and six of red and we’ll see how it goes.’
‘Muiria will see to that. Now, then. About solving this dastardly crime! Madame Hestia Nyx? You are partnered with Major Fortescue.’
‘What?’ Cara thought she could just choose to be with Ed.
‘We’re mixing things up.’ Micah had spotted Cara’s distress. He looked nervous.
Annette’s husband Nigel had arrived at her side. He nodded and she responded with an even smaller nod. She’d met him once or twice in the past and she’d found him hard work.
‘Here are your clues.’ Micah whipped off a sheet of paper, which Nigel intercepted.
‘Ginerva McQuarrie?’ Inspector Pine called. ‘Quentin Ropane-Redford? You’ll be working together.’
That was Nell and Ferdia. Dreamily, Cara studied them. In his white dinner jacket and slicked-back hair, Ferdia was so grown-up and good-looking