because that’s the only way to handle my sperm donor in large doses, I’ve now decided.
“I was just regaling your boys with the time I got a gasping flower stuck around my cock at Luce’s house,” he tells me, a little too loudly for how close I now am to him.
I make a face. Who the hell wants to hear a story about the time their father violated a flower?
I look over at the guys, horrified, but they just chuckle, like, good ol’ Taz and his stories.
Taz turns back to them. “It was a damn fine suck-off, I have to admit that much, boys, but I didn’t know if the toxins were going to melt off my member or if it would release its deadly pollen when I tried to pull it off of me. It was quite the conundrum. Luckily, Gluttony had run into this perverted plant before, so he knew how to help me remove it. But I’ve never been able to look at a gasping flower the same again. I had all of them removed immediately from my gardens.”
I look over at Jerif, like there’s no way this is actually happening. My biological father is not drunk and telling a story about fucking a plant. This is even more humiliating than me falling off the toilet mid-piss. Jerif just looks down at me like, this is your family, good luck with that.
I sigh. “I’m not saying that story wasn’t...umm...traumatizing in ways I hope to never think about again, but are you ready to tell us what’s going on, Tazreel?” I ask.
“Sire, Delta. I’m your Sire, and you should address me accordingly.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
Tazreel rolls his eyes at me and tips his glass back, emptying it. “I haven’t had this vintage in ages,” he gulps appreciatively. “It’s a fine stock you demons carry. You make Hell proud,” Tazreel declares to the guys. I look at him warily. It’s one thing to think that the guys aren’t bothered by Tazreel, but has he actually warmed up to them too? Where was all that they’re beneath you talk? I stare at the group for a moment, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
Did I get fucked into the twilight zone or something?
“Ow!” Jerif yells and jumps away from me. “What the fuck was that?” he growls.
“Just making sure I’m awake and in the real world,” I explain as I pull my fingers away from him.
“You’re supposed to pinch yourself for that,” he snarls, rubbing at his upper arm.
“Oh, please, Firefly. Why would I do that when this is just so much more fun?”
“I’ll give you more fun,” he mumbles. “I’ll light that ass up next time and show you who the firefly really is,” he scoffs indignantly.
That makes me smile, and all my naughty bits start clapping with excitement. I should look around the atrium for an aloe vera plant, just in case.
The second there’s a lull in conversation, Tazreel shouts out, “Your mother!” making me jump. “That’s right! I’ve been having such a surprisingly pleasant time, I almost forgot,” he confesses before chucking his glass away like that’s the normal thing to do instead of setting it down or passing it off to someone. I watch it go sailing through the air, and then drop my mouth open in shock when an imp reaches up without looking and catches it like a viper does its prey. They bring the glass down to the ground, all the while never taking their eyes off the tomato plant they’re plucking ripe fruit from.
I turn to the guys like, did you see that? But when I reach out a hand to pinch Jerif again, he stops me with a glare. “Don’t you even think about it.”
I adopt a sheepish grin long enough for him to think I won’t, and then as soon as his guard is down, I do it anyway. He reaches behind me and pinches my ass in retaliation, but I like it, so it doesn’t really pan out for him.
“Where’s your scythe?” Tazreel demands, pulling my attention from Jerif’s fire-filled gaze that screams retribution.
Such a baby.
“It’s in time-out,” I answer casually as I lift my hands and play the world’s smallest violin in sympathy for Jerif’s wounded bicep.
“Wait, what?” Echo asks as Crux snickers and Iceman shakes his head, an amused smile on his face.
“My scythe is in time-out,” I repeat.
“A...time-out,” Crux parrots, trying and failing not to laugh.