a few seconds. It was already difficult for me to discuss self-discovery topics. Throw in an audience of one very attentive, charming, good-looking, tall, imposing, Dominant man and, well, yeah… My nerves skyrocketed to Venus and back.
But damn it, I had to start somewhere. And Grant’s larger frame always provided a safe harbor for me, on top of his uncanny instinct about knowing when I craved the feeling of his protection. I needed that right now, more than ever before. His physical presence lent me the strength to deal with the topic that had left me emotionally and psychologically crippled for most of my life.
We lay that way for a few minutes. Each time I thought I was ready to start talking, I’d chicken out. Grant knew I was having a hard time kicking off the conversation, when he finally said, “Take all the time you need, baby. It’s just us here, and we have nowhere else to be.”
I inhaled his cologne one more time and enjoyed how the ocean mist brought out the familiar citrus and cedar notes. That, combined with his reassuring hold, at last imbued me with the courage to talk. “Thank you for being patient. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but I keep stumbling over it all in my mind.”
He dipped his head down, bussing the top of my head. “Like I said, baby, no rush.”
I traced some designs into the center of his chest while taking another deep breath. “Well, first…I know I haven’t been easy to deal with lately, and I’m sorry about that.”
“Rio. You have good reason to be on edge.” He started rhythmic strokes up and down my back, soothing me beyond measure. Would there ever be a moment when the man didn’t know exactly what my body, mind, and soul needed? God, I hoped not. But this was about more than my stress levels right now. This was about me confronting the ways they’d made me act out.
“You can’t keep making excuses for me,” I asserted. “At some point, I have to take responsibility for myself and my actions.”
“I like taking care of you. I wish you would understand that. It feeds my Dominant nature.”
“I do understand that. But taking care of a few everyday needs for me is one thing. Enabling me to live in denial about a mental health problem is another thing altogether.” I watched him with a fixed stare until he answered. After he gave a gentle nod, I was more comfortable moving into the more practiced part of what I’d wanted to say. I didn’t want to give him a lecture, and I certainly wasn’t interested in blaming him for anything. For the first time in my life, I had some clarity on the way I was feeling and what was going on with me. It was essential to share it all with him if he was going to continue to be in my life.
“Sometimes when you care about someone, the hardest thing you ever have to do is sit off to the side and watch them hurt—or even worse, to hurt themselves.”
He pushed out a meaningful breath. “Yeah. I understand that.”
“I know.” As I said it, he took my hand in his. I paused to smile. Such a small action, but the silent display of his support meant so much. Once again, I was infused with new courage to go on.
“But as we both know, a person has to be ready to see a problem for herself.” I smiled coyly in his direction while using that particular pronoun. “And until she’s at that place, she may be blind to what everyone can see. But then, one day, something clicks into place, and she moves into the light. The place where she realizes she needs help. But more than that…that she really wants it.”
I stared back at him over my shoulder for a couple beats, hoping like hell he was hearing what I was trying to say. I got my answer in the most perfect way, as he lifted our joined hands to his lips and kissed our knuckles where they came together.
“Whatever you need from me, baby, I’m here for you. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met by far. If anyone can rise to a challenge and conquer it, it’s you. I also know you’re not a quitter. So even if there is tough work ahead? You’ll do that too. I believe in you, Blaze.”