Give Me War - Kate McCarthy Page 0,7

The kid brings it out in him.

“Coffee?” I ask while Wolf sits back in front of the tv and picks up a cut quarter of his abandoned sandwich.

My brother nods and follows me to the kitchen, looking around. “Evie here?”

“She’s out shopping, I think.”

His brow arches. “You think?”

My wife is out shopping because she needs space. From me. The ache of it makes my voice sharp. “Well I don’t keep her on a leash.”

Mitch snorts. “Sure you don’t.”

Maybe I’m a little overprotective, but dammit, who wouldn’t be? Even after all these years I’m still scared of losing her. I still see her bleeding out on the floor, my heart bleeding out right alongside her, but I can’t say that to my brother. Because what I almost lost, Mitch did lose.

Instead of voicing my fears, I flick the button on the kettle and it begins to boil. My third cup of the day. I’ll get jittery if I have another, and yet I already feel jittery.

“What’s in the box?” I ask, steering the conversation elsewhere.

“Everyone’s Christmas presents.”

“You could’ve just brought them tomorrow.”

His jaw tightens. “I won’t be here tomorrow.”

I glare, already knowing the answer before I ask the question. “Why not?”

Mitch drops his gaze before his eyes shift to the French doors and the backyard beyond. “You know why.” His gaze returns to mine. “What’s with the subject change?”

“Notice that, huh?”

“I don’t miss much. Things between you and Evie aren’t good.”

It’s a statement, not a question.

I give him my back as I pull coffee mugs down from the cupboard above. “Evie wants more kids. A big family. I can’t seem to give that to her.” I set the mugs on the counter and grip its edge tight, ducking my head, my chest aching with a dull thud. “I want to give her everything and I fucking can’t.”

My brother’s voice is a whip. “Are you kidding me?”

I push away from the counter and look at Mitch.

He waves his arms around, angry. “You already have everything!”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“You have her and you have Wolf. Isn’t that enough? Some people don’t even have that!”

“Mitch—”

“No. Fuck you, Jared.” He jabs his finger at me, fury burning like a brush fire in his eyes. “You don’t get to speak. Your life has meaning. Purpose. You might have almost lost it all, but you didn’t. And you need to start living with the knowledge that you’re a good husband, and a good father, and that that is enough! That’s all you need.”

I rub at the ache in my chest. “You’re right. I know you are.” I pause and take a breath. “But I feel like I’m spending my days trying to pretend everything is fine. That she’s not looking at me with disappointment in her eyes. How do I fix it?”

“There’s nothing to fix. She’s not disappointed with you. She’s just disappointed, you fucking asshole. You need to get out of your own head and talk to her.” Mitch shakes his head like I’m the biggest dipshit alive. “Did you even consider that all she needs from you is to know she’s loved, no matter what? That you’ll fuck her with the sole purpose of giving her pleasure rather than it having to be something more? Instead, she just feels you pulling away and she’s probably doing the same to protect herself.”

“Mitch.” I swallow, my vision blurring. Is it really that simple? I turn away, going back to the coffee. “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, little brother. Just don’t fuck it up.” Not like I did, he says in his own head. I know, because when I turn to look at him, I see it in his eyes.

Coffee made, I hand his over with a heavy heart. We’re both taking a sip of the hot liquid when my phone beeps.

Setting down my mug, I pull it free from my pocket and read the screen.

Mac: Hey asshead. Where’s Evie?

Jared: Out shopping.

I watch the three dots appear and disappear as she replies.

Mac: That bitch. We organised to go shopping together when I called her this morning.

Another message appears.

Mac: When did she leave?

Jared: She went shopping straight after her surf.

I pick up my mug, about to take a sip when her reply comes through. I set the mug back down, the niggle in my belly turning into a full-blown spasm.

Mac: She said she was coming home first to shower and change and she’d message me a time and place to meet her.

I go straight to the favourite contacts in my phone and dial Evie.