The Girl is Not For Christmas - Emma V Leech Page 0,65

me be?”

“Because I’m desperate,” she whispered. “We all are. We’re going to lose our home, everything, unless I marry well, and I don’t think anyone is going to want me. Not ever. Not at this stupid ball and not for the rest of my life, but… but I feel like maybe… maybe you do, and… and I want to know how it feels to be wanted, King. Just for a moment.”

King sank his fingers into his hair, pulling on it in frustration. “Livvy, you little fool. If you show even a glimpse of the woman I have come to know these past weeks at that wretched ball, you’ll have men falling at your feet. Some of them may even be good, decent men who will want you, want to marry you, and then you’ll regret….”

“No.” She shook her head, gazing at him. “No, I shan’t regret it. Not ever. No matter what happens.”

King closed his eyes, unable to look at her, to see the sincerity in her eyes, the hope, and all the things he could not give her.

“And what will you do on your wedding night when your husband realises you’re not a virgin? Will you pretend it’s your first time?”

“N-No, of course not. I should never be so deceitful.”

“When, then, Livvy? After he’s married you and it’s too late? Or before? Don’t you see? It will make him doubt you, doubt the kind of woman you are. It might ruin your chances.”

He could see his words had struck home, and he did not know whether to breathe a sigh of relief or weep. No, strike that, weeping was certainly his favourite plan, along with howling with rage and frustration and drinking himself into an early grave. Damn it, no. No. He was not going to drink.

I am not drinking.

King hauled in an uneven breath, waiting only for Livvy to tell him she’d come to her senses before he made his escape. Then he’d go for a walk, or perhaps a swim. Yes, a swim in the sea should just be icy enough to cool his ardour. Perhaps then he’d be able to think straight again; perhaps he’d drown and end this misery now before it got worse. For it would get worse. He would have to leave sooner or later, and one day he’d read an announcement in the paper with details of her marriage to some lucky bastard who would not deserve her any more than King did.

“Well, you have a point.”

King nodded, letting her words wash over him, so that he didn’t really register the next ones until they shot straight to his groin like a lightning strike.

“But surely there is pleasure to be had without… you know, taking my… my maidenhead? We could do that, couldn’t we? Please?”

Oh, damn him to hell.

She’d said, please.

Please.

Holy God and all his angels.

He was doomed.

Chapter Fourteen

13th December 1818.

Plans for seduction, George makes a conquest, and an unexpected visitor.

Livvy watched as the Earl of Kingston ran away. Again.

Were all libertines so highly strung? Honestly, it was infuriating that he kept stopping just when things were getting interesting. Only, she’d felt the desperation in his kiss, seen the heat in his eyes. For a moment she had doubted it when he’d spoken to her so cruelly, but he’d not been able to follow it through. He’d capitulated almost immediately, the moment he’d seen the hurt in her eyes, and that’s when Livvy had known for certain. The Earl of Kingston was a good man, an honourable man, and he liked her, maybe he even cared for her, just a little, but more than that… he wanted her.

The knowledge was powerful. It simmered beneath her skin, making her too aware of all the empty spaces inside her. She felt like the damned house, decaying from neglect and lack of care and increasingly empty as everything of value was stripped from her. If she chose this, it would be for herself. She would marry any man who met her increasingly low standards—providing he wasn’t cruel and didn’t make her flesh creep—if it meant security for the children. If, as she suspected, no one would have her as she had no dowry and was getting too long in the tooth to ensure the production of enough babies to ensure a boy, then she would stay with the children and do whatever it took to keep everyone together and safe and well. In all of that there was nothing for herself, besides providing for and