Getting the Axe - Nikki Mays Page 0,22
thinks that I’m not paying attention, which I am!” I’m barely able to contain my snort, of course, he’s paying attention. “We’re not only roommates, we’re best friends. How can she possibly think that it’s okay for her not to tell me who she’s dating? What if he isn’t good enough for her? Or some loser who makes her pay for everything. Or one of those guys with a weird-ass fetish,” He rambles and turns to me with wide eyes. “and not like a hot fetish, but dressing up as a dog and peeing on a tree fetish.”
I choke on the sip of coffee that I have just taken. I look at him in horror. “Is that actually a thing?” I gasp. I mean, I’m all for everyone doing what makes them happy, but come on, that’s just taking it a little too far.
Brad comes to an abrupt halt and looks at me. “Huh, I’m not really sure.” He tilts his head and taps his fingers against his cup. “But I mean, look at that redneck tiger show. Doesn’t that one couple.”
“Carole Baskin?” I interject helpfully. Don’t act like you haven’t binged watched The Tiger King too. That show is the most amazing and most bizarre thing that I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t not watch it.
Brad snaps his fingers. “Yes, that bitch Carole Baskin!” He says gleefully. “Doesn’t she force her husband to dress up as a tiger and walk him on a leash?”
I look at him as I scramble all the eggs. “I think so,” My tone was unsure. “but I don’t think that she makes him pee on a tree.”
Brad gives me an incredulous look. “Right, because dressing a grown-ass man up as a tiger and walking him around on a leash is completely normal.” He snorts.
I roll my eyes. “Well, I’m just saying, it didn’t show him peeing on a tree or anything.” I huff and go back to making breakfast. “And at least she wasn’t running a weird cult-like that guy with the long hair.”
Brad takes out the cutting board and knife then starts to chop up some mushrooms. “Yeah, that guy was freaking odd.” He nods his head. “But at least he didn’t turn straight men gay by offering them meth and to play with tiger cubs.”
“Those cubs were so cute.” I gush, because well duh, they are.
“I know, I totally want one.” Brad agrees. “Too bad neither of us has a house with a ton of land. We could get one otherwise.”
“We would have to raise chickens or something to keep it fed though. We would go through so much money just feeding it once it reached adulthood.” I say reasonably.
Brad finishes with the mushrooms and starts on the peppers. “I know, but doesn’t it take chickens a while to grow?” He pauses to think. “Even if we start out with like twenty, it would take months and months for them to grow.
I purse my lips and shake my head. “That’s why we start out before we even get the tiger.” I give him a look. “That way we always have plenty of fully grown chickens to feed it.”
Brad nods his head. “That makes sense.”
“None of what you two just said makes any sort of fucking sense.” Comes out of nowhere, making Brad and I jump. Shoot, I didn’t even hear the shower turn off.
“Yes, it does.” Both Brad and I say like two people who are convinced that they’re getting a tiger cub, even though neither one of us has ever had a pet before.
I look over at Noah and my mouth goes dry. He’s shirtless, wearing only low hung grey sweatpants, his feet are bare, his hair is wet and messy and his skin is still damp. Good grief, I’m pretty sure that my ovaries have just spontaneously combusted. I blink and realize that his sweatpants don’t have a dark stain. Nope, that’s a shadow from a rather large imprint.
I swallow and turn back to put some ghee in the skillet. Must not look at the outline of his bulge. Must not look at the outline of his huge bulge.
If I keep repeating that to myself I’m sure that will help.
My brother, on the other hand, does the complete opposite and stares broadly.
He also freaking whistles. “Damn, Noah, is that how you’ve been walking around every day?” Brad pretends to fan himself to be irritating. He never acts this damn bad.
Noah gives him his signature frown before looking down at himself. “Like