Gateway - Frederik Pohl Page 0,106
blue ball hung flickering outside; the racing shadows across its surface that were phase effects made fearful pictures; the gripping grab of its gravity waves tugged at our guts. Danny A. was in the capsule of the first ship, watching the time and kicking bags and bundles down to the lander hatch to pass on, through the hatch, through the landers, up to the capsule of the second ship where I was pushing them out of the way, any which way, just to make room for more. "Five minutes," he'd yell, and "Four minutes!" and "Three minutes, get the goddamn lead out!" and then, "That's it! All of you! Drop what you're doing and come on up here." And we did. All of us. All but me. I could hear the others yelling, and then calling to me; but I'd fallen behind, our own lander was blocked, I couldn't get through the hatch! And I tugged somebody's duffelbag out of the way, just as Klara was screaming over the TBS radio, "Rob! Rob, for God's sake, get up here!" And I knew it was too late; and I slammed the hatch and dogged it down, just as I heard Danny A.'s voice shouting, "No! No! Wait…
Harry Hellison
Pittsburgh
Wait…
Wait for a very, very long time.
We sometimes get squashed, and we sometimes
get burned,
And we sometimes get shredded to bits,
And we sometimes get fat on the Royalties
Earned,
And we're always scared out of our wits.
We don't care which —
Little lost Heechee, start making us rich!
Chapter 31
After a while, I don't know how long, I raise my head and say, "Sorry, Sigfrid."
"For what, Rob?"
"For crying like this." I am physically exhausted. It is as if I had run ten miles through a gauntlet of mad Choctaws pounding me with clubs.
"Are you feeling better now, Rob?"
"Better?" I puzzle over that stupid question for a moment, and then I take inventory, and, curiously enough, I am. "Why, yeah. I guess so. Not what you'd call good. But better."
"Take it easy for a minute, Rob."
That strikes me as a dumb remark, and I tell him so. I have about the energy level of a small, arthritic jellyfish that's been dead for a week. I have no choice but to take it easy.
But I do feel better. "I feel," I say, "as if I let myself feel my guilt at last."
"And you survived it."
I think that over. "I guess I did," I say.
"Let's explore that question of guilt, Rob. Guilt why?"
"Because I jettisoned nine people to save myself, asshole!"
NOTICE OF CREDIT
To ROBINETTE BROADHEAD:
Acknowledgment is made that your course setting for Gateway II permits round-trip flights with a travel-time saving of approximately 100 days over the previous standard course for this object.
By decision of the Board, you are granted a discovery royalty of 1 percent on all earnings on future flights using said course setting, and an advance of $10,000 against said royalty.
By decision of the Board, you are assessed one-half of said royalty and advance as a penalty for damage to the vessel employed.
Your account is therefore CREDITED with the following amount:
Royalty advance (Board Order A-135-7), less deduction (Board Order A-135-8): $5,000
Your present BALANCE is: $6,192
"Has anyone ever accused you of that? Anyone but yourself, I mean?"
"Accused?" I blow my nose again, thinking. "Well, no. Why should they? When I got back I was kind of a hero." I think about Shicky, so kind, so mothering; and Francy Hereira holding me in his arms, letting me bawl, even though I'd killed his cousin. "But they weren't there. They didn't see me blow the tanks to get free."
"Did you blow the tanks?"
"Oh, hell, Sigfrid," I say, "I don't know. I was going to. I was reaching for the button."
"Does it make sense that the button in the ship you were planning to abandon would actually fire the combined tanks in the landers?"
"Why not? I don't know. Anyway," I say, "you can't give me any alibis I haven't already thought of for myself. I know maybe Danny or Klara pushed the button before I did. But I was reaching for mine!"
"And which ship did you think would go free?"
"Theirs! Mine," I correct myself. "No, I don't know."
Sigfrid says gravely, "Actually, that was a very resourceful thing you did. You knew you couldn't all have survived. There wasn't time. The only choice was whether some of you would die, or all of you would. You elected to see that somebody lived."
"Crap! I'm a murderer!"
Pause, while Sigfrid's circuits think that over. "Rob," he says