Gabriel’s Inferno Trilogy by Sylvain Reynard Page 0,503

an arrogant, selfish life. Why shouldn’t he punish me?”

“God isn’t hovering above us waiting to punish us.”

“No?” His eyes were tortured.

“No. Did you ever once feel that way when we were in Assisi? When we were sitting near St. Francis’s crypt?”

He shook his head.

“God wants to rescue us, not destroy us. You don’t have to be afraid of being happy, thinking that he wants to take that happiness away from you. That’s not who he is.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because when you’ve had a taste of goodness, it helps you recognize the difference between good and evil. I believe that people like Grace and St. Francis and a whole host of other kind, loving people show us what God is like. He isn’t waiting to punish you and he doesn’t give you blessings just to strip them away.”

She slid her hands up his chest until they rested on either side of his face.

“I’m not going to let you delay having your vasectomy reversed. Whatever you discover, whatever happened, you’re my husband. I want a family with you and I don’t care what your DNA says.”

His fingers encircled her forearms.

“I thought you weren’t ready to have a baby.”

“I’m not. But I agree with what you said in the orchard. If we want to have a baby, we need to start discussing it with the doctors.”

“What about adoption?”

“We can do both. But please, Gabriel, you need to have the procedure reversed if only to show that you believe you will be a good father. And that you aren’t a prisoner of your history. I believe in you, sweetheart. How I wish you believed in yourself.”

He stood under the spray of the shower, closing his eyes and letting the water run over his head. He released her, running his hands through his hair before stepping aside.

Julia took his hands in hers.

“These hands are yours. You can use them for good, or for evil. And no amount of nature, biology, or DNA determines those decisions for you.”

“I’m an alcoholic because my mother was. That wasn’t a choice.”

“You chose to go into recovery. Every day, you choose not to drink or to use drugs. It isn’t your mother or AA that’s making that choice—it’s you.”

“But what will I pass on to our children?” His voice sounded desperate. “I have no idea what’s in my family tree.”

“My mother was an alcoholic. If you’re going to focus on family history, you should ask what I’m going to pass on.”

“The only things you could pass on would be beauty and kindness and love.”

She smiled sadly. “That’s what I was going to say to you. I saw how the children at the orphanage reacted to you. I saw you laughing and playing with them. And taking Maria for a pony ride. You will give our children love, protection, and care. You will give them a home and a family. And you won’t cast them out when they make a mistake, or stop loving them when they sin. You will love them so desperately you’d die for them. That’s what a father does. And that’s what you will do.”

His eyes lasered into hers. “You’re very fierce.”

“Only when I’m protecting someone I love. Or when I’m fighting to stop an injustice. Your giving in to those old lies would be unjust. You’ve done so much to help me, Gabriel. Now it’s my turn. If you want to forget about your family, I’ll support you. If you want to trace every branch of your family tree, I’ll help. But don’t let guilt and fear rob you of your choices. You made the decision to have the procedure reversed. I think you should stick to it. Even if we decide we want to expand our family through adoption.”

“It would be easier for me to forget about my family. But I can’t try to have a child with you without knowing more about them—at least to discover any obvious health concerns.”

“It won’t be easy. But you’ll have someone beside you, supporting you. Right now your past has power over you because you don’t know what’s there. Once you know, you won’t have to worry about it anymore. Take a risk with me, Gabriel.”

He buried his face in her neck.

Of all the gifts God gave me, he thought, the greatest one is you.

Chapter Forty-one

Although Gabriel’s concerns were not entirely assuaged by Julianne’s words, he felt relieved. Her belief in him, her love for him, chipped away at his self-doubt. Truly he was blessed beyond all