connected my phone to a Bluetooth speaker and played Joan Baez. A strong, sweet, hopeful voice from the past kept me company in the garage, 1965 echoing into the twenty-first century. The past is always close, so close you can sing along with it, anytime you like.
I found some boxes I thought I could send on to the library—a crate of my dad’s old Rolling Stones, a box of Danny Dunn young-adult novels I had loved as a boy—and it came to me I ought to grab my mother’s overdue Laurie Colwin and return that, too. Only when I went looking for it, I couldn’t find it. I tossed the whole house, hunting for it, but it’s not there. It has vanished to elsewhere.
It made me think maybe my mother will return it sometime soon. I am ready to see her. I have a couple books I think she’d like. I have a couple Philip Roths set aside, too, just in case. You never know who will turn up at the Bookmobile. I’m always ready to see Another Marvelous Thing.
Are you?
All I Care About Is You
Limitation makes for power. The strength of the genie comes of his being confined in a bottle.
—RICHARD WILBUR
1.
She grabs the brake and power-drifts the Monowheel to a stop for a red light, just before the overpass that spans the distance between bad and worse.
Iris doesn’t want to look up at the Spoke and can’t help herself. The habit of longing is hard to quit, and there’s a particularly good view of it from this corner. She knows by now that certain things are out of reach, but her blood doesn’t seem to know it. When she allows herself to remember the promises her father made a year ago, her blood seems to throb inside her with excitement. Pitiful.
She finds herself staring up at it, that jagged scepter of steel and blued chrome lancing the dingy clouds, and hates herself a little. Let that go, she tells herself with a certain contempt, and forces herself to look away from the Spoke, to stare blindly ahead. Her idiot heart is beating too fast.
Iris doesn’t notice the not-alive, not-dead boy watching her from the corner. She never notices him.
He always notices her. He knows where she’s been and where she’s going. He knows better than she knows herself.
2.
“Got you something,” her father says. “Close your eyes.”
Iris does as she’s told. She holds her breath, too. And there it is again, that thrill in the blood. Hope—stupid, childish hope—fills her like a trembling, fragile soap bubble, effervescent and weightless. It feels like it would be a terrible jinx to even allow herself to think the word: “Hideware.”
She isn’t going to the top of the Spoke tonight, she knows that. She isn’t going to be drinking Sparklefroth with her friends on the top of the world. But maybe the old man has a trick up his sleeve. Maybe he had a couple tokens socked away for an important day. Maybe the former Resurrection Man has one more miracle to work. Her blood believes that all these things might be possible.
He sets something heavy in her lap, something far too heavy to be Hideware. That fantastic bubble of hope pops and collapses inside her.
“Okay,” he says. “You c-can look.”
His stammer disturbs her. He didn’t stammer BEFORE, didn’t stammer when he was still with her mother and still in the Murdergame. She opens her eyes.
He didn’t even wrap it. It’s something the size of a bowling ball, shoved in a crinkly bag. She peels the sack open and looks down at a cloudy emerald globe.
“Crystal ball?” she asks. “Oh, Daddy, I always wanted to know my future.”
What tripe. She doesn’t have a future—not one worth thinking about.
The old man leans forward on his bench, hands clasped between his knees so they won’t tremble. They didn’t tremble BEFORE either. He sucks a liquid breath through the plastic tubing up his nose. The respirator pumps and hisses. “There’s a m-mermaid in there. You’ve wanted one since you were small.”
She wanted a lot of things when she was small. She wanted Microwing shoes so she could run six inches off the ground. She wanted gills for swimming in the underground lagoons. She wanted whatever Amy Pasquale and Joyce Brilliant got for their birthdays, and her parents always saw that it was so, but that was BEFORE.
Something swishes, takes a slow turn in the center of the spinach-colored sludge, then drifts to the glass to gaze