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this is the time of year for forgiveness?"

I sighed loudly. "This isn't a Christmas special! This is my life. In the real world, miracles and goodness just don't happen."

He was still eyeing my calmly. "In the real world, you can make your own miracles."

My frustration suddenly hit a breaking point, and I gave up trying to maintain my control. I was so tired of being told reasonable, practical things whenever something went wrong in my life. Somewhere in me, I knew Dimitri only wanted to help, but I just wasn't up for the well-meant words. I wanted comfort for my problems. I didn't want to think about what would make me a better person. I wished he'd just hold me and tell me not to worry.

"Okay, can you just stop this for once?" I demanded, hands on my hips.

"Stop what?"

"The whole profound Zen crap thing. You don't talk to me like a real person. Everything you say is just some wise, life-lesson nonsense. You really do sound like a Christmas special." I knew it wasn't entirely fair to take my anger out on him, but I found myself practically shouting. "I swear, sometimes it's just like you want to hear yourself talk! And I know you're not always this way. You were perfectly normal when you talked to Tasha. But with me? You're just going through the motions. You don't care about me. You're just stuck in your stupid mentor role."

He stared at me, uncharacteristically surprised. "I don't care about you?"

"No." I was being petty- very, very petty. And I knew the truth- that he did care and was more than just a mentor. I couldn't help myself, though. It just kept coming and coming. I jabbed his chest with my finger. "I'm another student to you. You just go on and on with your stupid life lessons so that- "

The hand I'd hoped would touch my hair suddenly reached out and grabbed my pointing hand. He pinned it to the wall, and I was surprised to see a flare of emotion in his eyes. It wasn't exactly anger...but it was frustration of another kind.

"Don't tell me what I'm feeling," he growled.

I saw then that half of what I'd said was true. He was almost always calm, always in control- even when fighting. But he'd also told me how he'd once snapped and beaten up his Moroi father. He'd actually been like me once- always on the verge of acting without thinking, doing things he knew he shouldn't.

"That's it, isn't it?" I asked.

"What?"

"You're always fighting for control. You're the same as me."

"No," he said, still obviously worked up. "I've learned my control."

Something about this new realization emboldened me. "No," I informed him. "You haven't. You put on a good face, and most of the time you do stay in control. But sometimes you can't. And sometimes ..." I leaned forward, lowering my voice. "Sometimes you don't want to."

"Rose..."

I could see his labored breathing and knew his heart was beating as quickly as mine. And he wasn't pulling away. I knew this was wrong- knew all the logical reasons for us staying apart. But right then, I didn't care. I didn't want to control myself. I didn't want to be good.

Before he realized what was happening, I kissed him. Our lips met, and when I felt him kiss me back, I knew I was right. He pressed himself closer, trapping me between him and the wall. He kept holding my hand, but his other one snaked behind my head, sliding into my hair. The kiss was filled with so much intensity; it held anger, passion, release....

He was the one who broke it. He jerked away from me and took several steps back, looking shaken.

"Do not do that again," he said stiffly.

"Don't kiss me back then," I retorted.

He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control."

"You're doing a great job," I said bitterly.

He closed his eyes for half a second, exhaled, and muttered something in Russian. Without another glance at me, he turned and left the room.

Chapter 9

Nine

I DIDN'T SEE DIMITRI FOR a while after that. He'd sent a message later that day saying that he thought we should cancel our next two sessions because of the rapidly approaching plans to leave campus. Classes were about to end anyway, he said; taking a break from practice seemed