For a moment I thought about whether or not I could keep doing this. I didn’t know if I could. Because even if I was successful at keeping him from loving me, I was failing miserably at not loving him.
I thought about waking up with my face pressed against his heart this morning, how he’d managed to finagle himself into my room last night.
Josh was my drug, my dealer, and that really toxic friend who’s always pushing you into breaking your sobriety.
He was like that puppy that you swear will never sleep in the bed. It’s so fucking cute, but you have to be the pack leader and lay down the law. Then it starts crying from the laundry room and you end up giving in the very first night.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“Drug dealers and puppies in laundry rooms.”
He laughed. “Of course you are.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“I’m thinking that your dad must have been pretty cool.” He took another sip of his Bloody Mary.
“What makes you think that?”
He shrugged. “A hunch. You lost your dad, right?”
“Yeah. When I was twelve. He had a heart attack. A few months before I met Sloan.”
“What was he like?”
A little like you.
I let out a slow breath. “He was fun. And laid back. You’d have to be to live with a woman like that. He was a literature professor.”
Mom had listened to him. He softened her. And when he died, she’d gone from difficult to impossible.
Our food arrived, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t want to talk about me anymore.
My Spanish omelet actually looked pretty good. I pushed my hash browns over with the side of my fork and moved the toast so nothing touched.
“What’s your family like?” I asked.
He grinned and puffed air from his cheeks. “Well, let’s see. My parents are insanely in love. Dad worships the ground Mom walks on. They’ve got twelve grandkids so far, so holidays back home are like a Greek wedding. My sisters are all fiercely independent and competitive with each other. They fight over pretty much everything, but they’re super cliqued up. Right now they’re all united in their crusade to get me to move back home.”
He salted his eggs. “Hey, Tyler didn’t let her talk to you like that in front of him, did he?”
I took my first bite. It was perfect. I felt my mood improve almost immediately. “No. She didn’t talk to me like that with him. She liked him.”
It had been a reprieve. I’d finally done something right.
“Why?” he asked, putting ketchup on his hash browns.
“Tyler was sophisticated. She liked that.”
“Oh,” he said flatly, and I realized what I had implied.
But Josh wasn’t sophisticated. He didn’t like the theater—he liked movies, like I did. He preferred hunting, not art galleries. Pizza and beer to tapas and wine.
And he was perfect.
“Do you miss your family?” I asked, changing the subject.
He shrugged. “I’m glad I’m not there every day. It could get to be a bit much.” He took a bite and chewed for a moment. “You know what I think the trick to dealing with family is? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.”
“What?” I said, spreading strawberry jam on my toast.
“Marrying your best friend.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “You marry your best friend, and at family gatherings you deal with your shitty relatives together. You laugh about it and have each other’s backs. Share looks and text each other from across the room when everyone else is being an asshole. And nobody else really matters because you have your own universe.”
He held my eyes for a moment. “That’s what I want. I want someone to be my universe.”
He’d have no problem finding that. No problem at all. Josh could have any woman he wanted. After all, he was the sun. Warm and vital. He would be the center of a big family one day, just like he wanted, and they’d all adore him.
And I was just some passing comet. Momentarily distracting. Useless and unimportant. I was nice to look at, fun to observe, but I’d never give life or be the center of anything.
I’d streak through and be gone, and Josh would forget me before we knew it.
TWENTY-ONE
Josh
It was three and a half weeks to Brandon’s wedding, two weeks since brunch with the Ice Queen.
Kristen and I had fallen into a new normal. When we hung out, it was like before. Friends only. No touching. No kissing. And