“Because I feel like those men. Like a storm came and sank something strong, and now I’m lost at sea. Drowning.”
I didn’t reply.
“I like his voice,” she added.
“Why don’t we buy some of his music?” Hopefully it’s not all fucking depressing. “Let’s see if he’s got an album,” I said, taking her phone. I was starting to scroll through Amazon Music when a message pinged and a text popped up on her screen.
Josh:
“Uh…Josh just texted you.” I looked up at her. I didn’t know they talked. “He gave you a thumbs-up?”
She looked at me listlessly. “Kristen, why haven’t you talked to him?”
The question surprised me. My best friend hadn’t been my best friend in a long time. We didn’t talk about me or what I was going through.
We didn’t really talk about anything.
I went back to scrolling through the artist’s album on her phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her. “What’s there to say?”
She laughed. It actually startled me it was so sudden, and I stared at her in surprise.
“Go home, Kristen.”
I blinked at her. “What?”
She took her phone from my hands. “Go home. Talk to him. Be with him. Be happy.”
I furrowed my brow. “Nothing has changed, Sloan.”
She stared at me with red-rimmed eyes. “You don’t think you’re worth it.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “What are you talking about?”
“Your mom. All your life she made you feel like you were never good enough. And so you don’t think you’re good enough for Josh either. But you are.”
I shook my head. “No. That’s not it, Sloan.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Sloan, he doesn’t know what’s best for him. He’s just thinking about right now.”
“No. You’re the one who doesn’t know what’s best for you. She ruined you. She spent your whole childhood setting a bar she knew you’d never reach, and now you think you have to be perfect to be good enough for anyone.”
We stared at each other. Then Sloan’s chest started to rise and fall in the rapid way that told me a breakdown was coming. I instinctively pulled tissues from a box on the end table just as her eyes started to tear up.
“Kristen? Brandon’s accident is my fault.”
I was used to this. She lost focus a lot. This time I was glad for the change of subject. “No, Sloan, it wasn’t.” I took the plate from her lap and put it on the coffee table and gathered up her hands. “None of this was your fault.”
She bit her lip, the tears falling down her cheeks. “It is. I should have never let him ride that bike. I should have insisted.”
I shook my head, scooting closer to her. “No. He was a grown man, Sloan. He was a paramedic. He went on those accident calls—he knew the risks. Don’t you dare put this on yourself.”
Her chin quivered. “How can I not? Shouldn’t I have protected him from himself? I loved him. It was my job.”
“No, it wasn’t. People make their own decisions, Sloan. He lived the life he wanted to live. He was a twenty-nine-year-old man. He was capable of making choices.”
She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “So you can decide for Josh, but I shouldn’t have decided for Brandon?”
I saw the trap, but it was too late.
She shook her head, blinking through tears. “You have no clue, do you? You think he’s settling? For Josh, not being with you is settling. Don’t you get that?”
“Sloan,” I said gently. “You don’t und—”
“Don’t I?” she snapped. “Do you think if Brandon wouldn’t have been able to have kids after his accident that I would have been settling to stay with him? I would have taken him any way I could have him. Disabled. In a wheelchair, without his fucking arms and legs. This thing that you’re obsessed with doesn’t matter. He loves you. He wants you.” She breathed hard. “Don’t be like me. Don’t live the rest of your life without the man you love. Go home, Kristen.”
“Sloan—”
“Go home! Get out of my house!”
Her shout shocked me into action and I stood.
“Go home.” Her eyes went hard. “And don’t you ever come over here without Josh again.”
She picked up Stuntman and shoved him into my arms. Then she corralled me out of the house onto the front porch. She took the house key from the planter and slammed the door in my face.
The shock had me standing there staring at her door for a full minute.