she had let me, I would have taken care of her. We could have taken care of each other, and neither of us would be in such bad shape.
I reached over and threaded my fingers through hers. She didn’t pull away. She looked too tired to fight me. She squeezed my hand, and the warmth of her touch coursed through me.
“I’ll go to the hospital,” I said. “I’ll talk to his parents, and I’ll stay with Sloan today. I need you to go home and sleep. And tomorrow I want you to go to the doctor. Call to make the appointment tonight because you might have to fast before they do bloodwork.”
She just looked at me, her beautiful face hollow and weary. She was always so strong. It was scary seeing her declining like this.
Love did this to her. Her love of Sloan.
And probably her love of me too.
I knew it wasn’t easy on her. I knew she thought she was doing the right thing. But fuck, if she would just stop. If she would stop, we could both be okay.
She looked at me tiredly. “I bet you wish you would have kicked the tires before falling for this hot mess.” She smiled weakly. “Aren’t you glad I saved you from yourself?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not how that works, Kristen. Love is for better or worse. It’s always and no matter what. The no-matter-what just happened first for us.”
Her eyes teared up and she pressed her lips together. “I miss you.”
My throat got tight. “Then be with me, Kristen. Right now. We can move in together, today. Sleep in the same bed. Just say okay. That’s all you have to say. Just say okay.”
I wanted it so badly my heart felt like it was screaming. I wanted to shake her, kidnap her and hold her hostage until she stopped this crap.
But she shook her head. “No.”
I let go of her hand and leaned away from her against the door, my fingers to the bridge of my nose. “You’re killing both of us.”
“One day—”
“Stop talking to me about one day.” I turned to her. “I’m never going to feel differently about this.”
She waited a beat. “Neither am I.”
We sat in silence for a moment, and I closed my eyes. I felt her move across the seat, and then her body was pressed against my side. I wrapped an arm around her and let her tuck her head under my chin.
The feel of her was therapeutic. I think it was for both of us. A warm compress for my soul.
I’d never had all of her at once. I’d only ever gotten pieces. Her friendship without her body. Her body without her love. And now her love without any of the rest of it.
But even with what little fragments I’d had, it was enough to tell me I would never stop chasing all of her. Never. Not if I lived to be a hundred. She was it. She just was.
“Kristen, you’re the woman I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with,” I whispered. “I know it in my fucking soul.”
She sniffed. “I know it too, Josh. But that was before.”
“Before what?” I wrapped my arms around her tighter, tears pricking my eyes.
“Before I broke inside. Before my body made me wrong for you. Sometimes soul mates don’t end up together, Josh. They marry other people. They never meet. Or one of them dies.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and felt the lump in my throat get bigger. Just to have her admit it, to have her acknowledge that’s what we were to each other, was the most validating thing she’d ever given me.
“Kristen, I know what I said, that I don’t want to adopt, that I want my own kids and I want a big family. But you make everything different.”
She was quiet for a long time before she answered me. “Josh, if you knew that being with me would take away the one thing I’ve always wanted, would you do it?”
I understood her reasoning. I did. But it didn’t make it easier.
“What if it were me who couldn’t have kids?” I asked. “Would you leave me?”
She sighed. “Josh, it’s different.”
“How? How is it different?”
“Because you’re worth it. You’re worth any flaw you might have. I’m not.”
I moved her away from me so I could look her in the eye. “You don’t think you’re worth it? Are you kidding me?”
Her exhausted eyes just stared back at me, empty. “I’m not