the impression that you like me, and you like fooling around, but you don’t want to get into a relationship, because of who we are.”
“Yes, exactly! That’s, like, totally it!”
“Right. Well, what if we just say that we’re friends who sometimes do stuff? We’re not dating or anything. We’re just two guys … trying stuff out. No pressure, and we can stop at any time. Would that be okay with you?”
“Like, friends with benefits?” I ask.
“I mean, yeah?”
Would that be okay? It doesn’t mean I’m being any more disloyal to Dad and my family than I would be if we were just friends. Nor am I putting my family in danger. Jason already knows I like guys, so even if he did tell his family about this, it wouldn’t matter.
“I think so,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I need more than that. I don’t want to do anything with you unless you’re fully sure. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”
“Okay,” I say. “Then I’m in. Friends with benefits it is.”
“In that case, screw the movie.”
“Yeah, screw you!” I say to the TV. “I can’t believe I just said that. You know that’s my favorite movie, right? That’d be like you saying screw you to Skyrim.”
“Trust me, I know, and I appreciate it.”
He laughs, and puts his hand flat on my chest, and just holds it there.
I chew my lip. “What are you doing?”
“Touching you,” he says.
“Okay.”
He slides his hand under my shirt, until his hand is in the same spot as it was before, but under, so his palm is on my bare skin. I let myself stop thinking so much and just enjoy how it feels to be touched.
I get really into it.
“You like this?” he asks, his voice low.
“Uh-uh.”
“God you’re cute.”
He slides his hand out from under, and brings it up to my face. Then he leans down and kisses me. I open my mouth, and tease my tongue against his. He’s moving his mouth slowly, and I try to mirror him. It feels really good.
He pulls back.
“Good?” I ask.
“So good.”
“Should we take our shirts off? We don’t have to go further than that, but, do you want to?”
“Definitely.” He tears off his shirt, and then he frantically takes mine off me.
We take a second to look at each other, both shirtless. He’s so perfect. I run my hands down his chest, to his stomach. I touch his abs, feeling the individual ridges of muscle. They feel different from what I was expecting. More solid. I didn’t even know a stomach could feel like this.
He knots his hand through my hair, and for a second I think I should stop.
I’m not sure if I can be just friends with benefits with him.
I think I like him too much for that.
When he leans down, I let him kiss me.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I’m at Jimmy’s, sitting at a booth near the back, by myself. I’m thinking about Jason, trying to figure out what I’m going to do about the epic shitstorm I’ve found myself in.
Being friends with benefits with him is never going to work.
I know that.
I like him way too much, and I’m way too attracted to him.
In fact, I’m genuinely worried about us getting so close and going so far that when it all falls to pieces, I’ll be ruined. I really can see us getting that close. Or at least my liking him that much.
Let’s be real, though.
Even with the risk, deep down I know I’m not going to stop seeing him.
I don’t know if I could stop, even if I wanted to.
The bar is dim, like always. Sara is drinking a Scotch alone at the bar, and Grandma is talking to Barbie. Dad’s upstairs. It’s his first night back.
Ending things with Jason now would be a really good call. I know that.
And I want to be smart. I really do.
But hanging out with him … it’s everything to me. I like it way more than anything else in my life. I can’t give it up.
I swirl my drink and take a sip.
It’s just Coke, but I’m hoping people think it’s got bourbon or something in it. I feel like drinking just Coke is too childish, and for some reason I care about that right now. Not that anyone is giving me much attention. Cassidy isn’t here tonight, so I’m back to sitting by myself, waiting for the night to be over.
The bar looks quieter than normal. It seems like a lot of allied