I’m really scared of messing this up, like I have every other time.
Right now, I’m in Dad’s Mercedes, sitting in the passenger seat. He’s driving me to get a new suit tailored, because there’s this big party coming up at the end of the month. It’s a ball for the whole Miller empire, including our allies, so I need a suit that actually fits me. It’s such a big deal that Dad has finally slotted in the time for this outing.
Plus, Jason might be at the ball. So I want to look good.
Because maybe I get a bit of a vibe from him. I dunno. Like, sometimes, I feel like he looks at me in a way that doesn’t feel exactly platonic. It’s too intense for that.
It’s not like it matters. Even if he is gay, what I want right now is a friend. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about that.
If I have the guts to tell him, that is.
As Dad drives, I look out the window. I have headphones in and am on my playlist. It’s a sort of dreary day today. It’s not raining, but I think it could start at any second. In the distance, I see a fairground. Its candy-colored lights look especially bright against the gray sky.
And that’s it.
That’s how I’ll ask Jason out. To a fair.
But that maybe feels a little too date-y. And I don’t want to freak him out. We’re becoming friends, that’s it. If I were straight, what would I do?
I probably wouldn’t ask him to a fair.
Maybe I’d ask him to come over and hang out. We could play some games or something and eat pizza and stuff. That actually sounds like a dream date to me, but you know, it is also I guess what straight dudes would do to hang out. They might also watch sports, but, ew, no.
For some reason asking him to come over and play games feels off, too.
Dad and Luke know I don’t have any friends.
They’d pay super-close attention if I had a guy over, because I haven’t done it in years. Unless they were out of the house. They do go out most Saturday nights, so most of the time I have the place to myself.
It still doesn’t feel totally right, though. Can I really sneak Jason into my house just so we can hang out? I feel like it’d be a lot safer to go somewhere where we’re less likely to be seen.
This is the loop I’ve been stuck in for a long time. Nothing fits perfectly.
I’m still thinking about it when Dad pulls into the parking bay in front of the tailor’s. I open a message thread to Jason as I get out of the car.
Hey! Was just wondering if you wanted to come over and play some games this weekend? I have Smash Bros and Mario Kart, and my brother has Mortal Kombat.
I like the rushed nature of it. I think it’ll make him think I haven’t thought about it as much as I have.
I hit send as Dad and I walk into the building.
* * *
The new suit is black, sleek, and, to be honest, badass. It’ll be delivered in two weeks. Dad was kind of pushy with the tailor, making him guarantee it’d be ready in time for the ball. I wish he’d been nicer, but whatever.
As Dad pays, I sit down and check my phone.
Come on …
I have a new message.
I unlock my phone.
But what about our deal? If I meet your parents, I’ll know who you are.
I feel like he must already. I’m a Miller. We’re one of the two most powerful families in the underworld. If he’s from a family allied to us, he must know who I am. I’m underworld famous. I hate even thinking this, because it feels smug, but I’m sort of a prince, given Dad is our current leader.
I don’t mind you knowing who I am. Why do you care so much?
That feels a little too aggressive, though, so I delete it. He obviously does care about this, and I don’t want to scare him away. This is also confirmation that our deal is continuing, at least for the time being. I change tack:
Not if they’re out of the house. I usually have the place to myself on Saturday nights.