Freedom (The F-Word #5) - E. Davies Page 0,13

as anyone was with themselves. More than that—he felt blessed to be at home in his body now. That didn’t stop others’ reactions from stinging.

His palms were sweaty as he gripped his glass of lemonade tightly.

“Of course not. I don’t understand a lot, but I know some things from the internet,” Jaden told him. “I don’t want to hurt you with dumb questions, though.”

“You can ask anything,” Henry told him, then smiled. “If it’s rude, I’ll tell you.” He dabbed his forehead with his sleeve, trying to settle his nerves.

“O-Okay, good.” Jaden shot him a wry look. “Is surgery the first thing everyone asks about?”

Henry snorted with bitter amusement. “Yeah. Like they’re only trying to figure out if they’d fuck me, without bothering to ask if I want to fuck them.”

“I wouldn’t even think to ask that yet,” Jaden admitted. “I wasn’t looking for a quick hookup. I wanted to see where this date goes. But I do think you’re super hot,” he added, laughing sheepishly.

Henry blushed and grinned, his heart swelling with pride. “Yeah? So are you. I thought you were super cute in the terminal. I was really hoping you were my date. Thank God you were, or some random dude would be really weirded out.”

Jaden giggled. “So… if dysphoria is a problem, you can tell me what you feel comfortable with. Or just tell me what you want and when you want it. I’m easy to please.” He flicked a shy little smile over at Henry.

Oh, God. He was being so adorable right now. If Henry read him right, he was begging to be on the bottom. “Yeah?” Henry said. “If it gets to that, I’m a top. In case that’s a surprise. A lot of guys are surprised.”

Jaden shook his head. “I don’t know what confuses them. You’ve been radiating big dick energy all day,” he said, laughing.

Henry grinned at him, surprised at the strength of the relief that swept through him. “I hate to brag, but… I love to brag.” Talking about this was so much less awkward than he’d feared.

Jaden giggled. “So, I’m pansexual,” he said, glancing at Henry. “If you know what that is…”

Henry smiled fondly as memories flooded back to him. “Yeah. I’m gay, but I know what pan is. When I learned about it online, they used to call it hearts, not parts.”

“Oh?” Jaden blinked at him. “I don’t really like that phrase. It’s not necessarily about parts for bi people. But people’s gender is never a factor in my crushes, so I say pan instead of bi.”

“Right,” Henry nodded. “I know more about it now, but I’m glad I found that phrase. It helped me a lot back then. Changed my life, even.”

Jaden shifted to grab the bottle of lemonade and top up their glasses. “How so?”

Henry sipped his drink and tried to come up with the right words. “Back when I started transitioning, I thought what a lot of people do: that only pan people date trans people.”

“Oh,” Jaden murmured. “But that can’t be right.”

Henry laughed. “Yeah. It’s bullshit, but that’s where my brain was at. I figured gay guys wouldn’t be into me, and I obviously didn’t want to date straight guys. And I thought bi guys wanted either men or women, and they wouldn’t want someone ‘in-between.’ When you’re just coming out, you’re still wrestling with all kinds of crap the world puts on you. Even back then, I knew I was a man whether or not other people saw me that way. But I didn’t want to get turned down. Even if it was because of their hangups, I was the one who’d have to deal with the fallout.”

Jaden nodded, running his hand gently along Henry’s arm. “Gotcha,” he murmured.

Henry swallowed hard. It hurt to think how many barriers he’d flung up for himself. “Basically, I thought my dating life was over until I’d had surgery. And even then, I was scared. What if surgery went wrong? What if I didn’t end up with something that made people think ah yes, of course that’s a guy? I pretty much thought nobody would ever find me attractive again.”

Ouch. The words had just fallen out without even thinking about them, and his throat was suddenly tight.

“Oh, hon,” Jaden breathed out sympathetically, and the pet name actually felt… good. He said nothing more, just frowned like he was waiting for Henry to continue.

“And then I stumbled on that phrase and the existence of pan people. And I thought… well,