Freed (Fifty Shades as Told by Christian #3) - E.L. James Page 0,164

How can you say that? You live every day with your past. You told me yourself—fifty shades, remember?”

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. Drop it, Ana.

“I know it’s why you feel the need to control me. Keep me safe.”

“And yet you choose to defy me.” I’m bewildered. This is what I find most confusing about her. She knows that I have issues, yet she still challenges me.

“Dr. Flynn said I should give you the benefit of the doubt. I think I do, I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s my way of bringing you into the here and now—away from your past,” she mutters. “I don’t know. I just can’t seem to get a handle on how far you’ll overreact.”

“Fucking Flynn,” I mumble.

“He said I should continue to behave the way I’ve always behaved with you.”

“Did he, now?” I observe wryly.

I have him to blame.

She takes a deep breath. “Christian, I know you loved your mom, and you couldn’t save her. It wasn’t your job to do that. But I’m not her.”

Fuck. What? Stop. Now.

I lay paralyzed beneath her. “Don’t,” I whisper.

I don’t want to discuss the fucking crack whore.

I’m floating above a deep well of harrowing, painful feelings that I don’t want to acknowledge, and I certainly don’t want to feel.

“No, listen. Please.” Ana lifts her head, her bright blue eyes penetrating my shield, and I realize I’m holding my breath. “I’m not her,” Ana says. “I’m much stronger than she was. I have you, and you’re so much stronger now, and I know you love me. I love you, too.”

“Do you still love me?” I whisper.

“Of course I do. Christian, I will always love you. No matter what you do to me.”

Ana, you’re crazy.

I close my eyes and place my arm over my eyes again, holding her closer to me.

“Don’t hide from me,” she says, and she pries my arm off my face. “You’ve spent your life hiding. Please don’t, not from me.”

Me?

I stare at her, bewildered. “Hiding?”

“Yes.”

I roll onto my side, smooth her hair off her face, and tuck it behind her ear. “You asked me earlier today if I hated you. I didn’t understand why, and now—”

“You still think I hate you?” she asks.

“No.” I shake my head. “Not now. But I need to know, why did you safe-word, Ana?”

She swallows, and I watch the play of emotions that cross her face. “Because…because you were so angry and distant and cold. I didn’t know how far you’d go.”

I realize that she asked me and asked me and asked me to let her come. And I didn’t.

I betrayed her trust.

Thank heaven for safe words.

“Were you going to let me come?” Her gaze is unwavering, in spite of her blush.

Yes. No. I don’t know.

“No,” I answer. But the truth is, I don’t know.

“That’s harsh.”

I caress her cheek with my knuckle, the one with the burn. “But effective,” I whisper.

And you stopped me.

We will always have safe words. If I go too far.

Even when I said we didn’t need them.

“I’m glad you did,” I mutter.

“Really?” She doesn’t believe me.

I try to smile at her. “Yes. I don’t want to hurt you. I got carried away.” I kiss her. “Lost in the moment.” I kiss her again. “Happens a lot with you.”

Her face brightens with a grin.

It’s catching. “I don’t know why you’re grinning, Mrs. Grey.”

“Me neither.”

I embrace her, holding her close, and place my head on her chest. She strokes my naked back with one hand and runs her fingers through my hair with the other. And I crave her touch.

“It means I can trust you, to stop me. I never want to hurt you,” I confess. “I need—”

Tell her, Grey.

“You need what?”

“I need control, Ana. Like I need you. It’s the only way I can function. I can’t let go of it. I can’t. I’ve tried. And yet, with you…” I shake my head in exasperation.

“I need you, too,” she says, hugging me tighter. “I’ll try, Christian. I’ll try to be more considerate.”

“I want you to need me.”

“I do!” she says emphatically.

“I want to look after you.”

“You do. All the time. I missed you so much while you were away.”

“You did?”

“Yes, of course. I hate you going away.”

I smile. “You could have come with me.”

“Christian, please. Let’s not rehash that argument. I want to work.”

I sigh as she runs her fingers through my hair, chasing away my tension, helping me relax. “I love you, Ana.”

“I love you, too, Christian. I will always love you.”

We lie entwined in