head on his chest and just looking at both of them, I feel like this thing in my chest might explode.
I can accept this. I can tell the whole fucking world I love these two people and not give a shit what they say. Fuck, I’ll tell them all right now. Then…then we can just be us. Free and happy and it will all be fine.
“I’m happy too,” she whispers, resting her eyes and reaching for my hand.
“Are you happy?” I whisper to him, lost in his gaze.
His jaw clenches and he lets out a heavy breath. Squeezing Hanna a little closer, he says, “I’m afraid so.”
Leaning forward, I press my mouth to his, breathing in the same air and letting my tongue slip through to taste him. After slowly pulling myself away, I keep my eyes on him as I rest my head on the pillow.
I can let myself be happy. If it means keeping things the way they are right now at this exact moment, I can.
31
It’s still dark out when I wake up. The bed is warm, almost too warm with bodies tangled next to me. The only sound is the A/C running, mingled with the heavy breathing of the two other people in my bed. My back is to Hanna, and when I turn over, I notice the way she’s resting comfortably in his arms. Her head is on his chest, the tight black curls of her hair cascading across his arm, and I reach out to play with the softness.
My mind replays what she said last night. She wants it to stay like this, the three of us. And yeah, I want that too, but that’s a stupid thing to want, isn’t it? It’s unrealistic, not to mention the attention we’d get. And least of all…my dad and Zara would lose their shit. It’s not that I care what they think about my life now…but fuck, do I?
Fuck, then Zara’s words pierce every single thought and panic worms its way in. Does she already know there’s something going on with me and Ellis? This whole time I thought I was keeping a wall up, and I wasn’t. I’m not being careful enough…reckless. I’m being reckless. Just like after Preston died.
And if I give in to this idea…letting Hanna and Ellis into my life. No one will think it’ll last. They’ll see how reckless I am, foolish, trying to replace Zara or what the three of us had. I’ll look like a fucking idiot.
I can’t lay here and stare at them anymore. The longer I do, the longer it starts to look like a very similar situation from three years ago, lying with Zara between us, her leaning a little closer to him. And look how that turned out.
Climbing out of bed, I walk to the bathroom, shutting myself in before I turn on the lights. The man in the mirror makes me stop. My hair is a little shorter, my beard trimmed tight. And as hard as I try to find the CEO, the man, the one who has everything together, someone like Ellis, the more frustrated I become because the guy in the mirror is still the same fuck-up who lost the only girl he ever loved to his fucking dad.
I was supposed to have it together when I went to Amsterdam, but I didn’t have shit together. It was just the beginning of a slowly escalating tailspin that has now grown completely out of control. If the mess I was in before Zara came to Del Rey was bad, what is this I’m in now? There is a man and woman in my bed, and they want me to be in a relationship with them.
I’m a goddamn joke.
Clutching the end of the countertop between my fingers, I take heavy slow breaths, trying to calm the manic rattling in my brain. But the voices are persistent and too fucking loud.
I’m out of control, again. I’m fucking everything up again. I own a goddamn company and I’m acting like a child.
I should have died in that crash with Preston. Or worse…I should have saved him.
If I hadn’t been so selfish, so lazy, so cold and terrible, I would have made that flight with my brother, and I would have stopped him from ever flying in the bad weather that day.
Preston is dead because of me.
There’s a torrent in my brain at the exact moment Ellis opens the door, and it’s really just bad fucking timing.