Only one family lived close, but they all came to visit her as often as they could. They were great, and even though they’d all chosen more conventional paths, they loved her too.
But I’d never realized she was so damned wise.
She kept at me.
“So little boys go on to be like their fathers who’ve had their wives look after them and buy the Christmas presents and wrap them, and those boys grow up and sit back and watch football. And little girls go on to be like their mothers, busting their booties to be everything to everyone and forgetting to look out for themselves. And it’s not their bad. It’s not their wrong. It’s how their mommas showed them how to be.”
“You’re right,” I whispered.
“You cannot be all to everybody, Rebel. You can’t right all the wrongs. You can’t cushion all the blows. You gotta learn to look after you. And I’m seeing you, especially you, have got to learn to do that and you’ve got to learn it now. You put yourself out there for a friend like you have, when you have a man, when you have kids, all the glory of you will fade to dust.”
I was still whispering when I said, “Yeah.”
She was silent a beat and I thought I could get in there and maybe calm her down and wrap this up, but she spoke again.
And I braced when she did because her voice was again gentle.
“Now you need to keep listening to me, Rebel girl, ’cause I’m gonna tell you something you think you know, but it’s clear you don’t. Murdered or not, Diane died of an illness. Addiction is an illness. People do not get that. They can’t see a mutated cell or a lesion or whatever it takes for them to believe, but as sure as cancer, if you don’t fight it, it’ll eat you alive. It ate her alive, darling. And you and her parents tried to fight it, but it was up to her to wage that war and like cancer, like diabetes, there are just some who won’t win. She didn’t win. And that’s not your fault.”
I dropped my head.
God, God.
I should have walked to Essence’s place and unloaded months ago.
God.
I was such an idiot.
I only lifted my head when I felt Rush’s hand curl around the back of my neck.
He was reaching across to me, his beautiful eyes soft and sweet.
“Okay?” he mouthed.
I wasn’t.
But I had a feeling I was getting there.
Essence was helping.
But it was mostly about those beautiful eyes across the counter, soft and sweet on me.
I nodded.
Rush’s hand gave me a squeeze and he let me go.
“You’re a beautiful soul,” Essence cooed in my ear. “And I sure am glad I know what’s put that gray in your aura that hasn’t gone away. Now I can help you bring back more pink, add some yellow and get you some green. But I want you to promise me you’ll call on me no matter what comes for you, you’re in my little cottage, or not. I love you like one of my own, Rebel, and it eats me you didn’t lean on me. I might no longer be young, but my heart’s working just fine, and you’re in it and just like you wanna take care of the ones in yours, others feel the same about you. So let us take care of you. Okay?”
“Okay, Essence.”
“Now go get your brains banged out by that beautiful biker,” Essence bid. “You come home, I want details. All that’s him, I’m sure the Goddess gave him a beautiful member. Be good to it, it’ll be good to you.”
I started giggling.
“Right. This little mama’s gonna light up a doobie,” she told me. “If any day deserves some good reefer, today is that day.”
“Don’t let Boz get too stoned,” I warned.
“We’ll be just fine. You hear that, Rebel girl? We’ll be just fine.”
“Love you, Essence,” I whispered.
“Love you back, child. Don’t be good,” she replied, then rang off.
I put my phone down and picked my beer up.
“My take from your end of that, which wasn’t much, she read you and good,” Rush remarked.
“Hmm,” I hummed, swallowing beer, wishing it was more tequila.
He grinned at me and slugged back more of his own beer.
Then he leaned into his forearms on the counter across from me.
Okay.
Straight up.
I could simply look at this man for eternity.
He was that amazing.
“You wanna take our beers in and watch TV?” he asked.