I swallowed, hard. The thought had occurred to me in my worst moments of doubt. “Jamie—”
“She made me do things, Verranica.” He shoved his face into mine, then pulled back and raked the damp hair off his forehead. “Nay, tha’s wrong. She didna force me to do anythin’.”
I gripped his arms. “I don’t care what she did to you, or made you do.”
The grief tightening his eyes fissured my heart. “Dinna assume . . . just hear me out.”
I nodded, my throat squeezing closed.
He took a deep breath and then began, his voice barely a whisper. “When Adelaide recaptured me, she figured out I would make a better weapon alive than dead. But she knew with the protection afforded by the fealty, she could no longer control my mind wi’ magic, so she tried to break me.”
He jerked his gaze away and I clasped his hand beneath the water.
Without looking at me, he continued. “She chained me in the antechamber off the throne room and had Sean MacNa—” His words cut off and a muscle jumped in his jaw. “Had Sean MacNally beat me to within an inch of my life, and then she would swoop in like Satan’s angel and heal me. Only to have Sean return and beat me again, so that she could heal my wounds. This cycle went on for days, weeks . . . I’m no’ sure, but at some point, I began to anticipate her arrival like a starving man craves meat.”
He shook his head, his fingers tightening around mine. “But I refused to show her my weakness. Through prayer, and memories o’ you, I was able to resist her efforts to condition me . . . to make me inta her monster. That’s when she burned the ouroboros into my skin. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt.”
His throat contracted as he swallowed. “She moved me to the dungeon after that. I tried to escape. But Sean . . . he . . . came back before I could. I could see in his eyes that he’d lost his mind. I tried to reason wi’ him and I thought it was workin’. He remembered things from our childhood—things he was still angry about. He didn’t appear to be enthralled. But I think Adelaide’s obsession with me drove him to the edge, and he stabbed me.”
I started, my muscles tensing as I searched his face.
Refusing to look at me, Jamie withdrew his hand from mine and leaned his elbows on his knees. “I had to defend myself. So I took him down. Wrapped my chains around his neck and drove him to his knees.” Lost in memories, he shook his head. “I’d beaten him. He was barely conscious. But I . . . I pulled the blade from my own side . . . and with Adelaide’s encouragement . . . slit Sean’s throat.” He dropped his head into his hands.
He’d committed murder. That witch had driven my noble prince to do the unthinkable. I reached over and rubbed his back in slow circles. “Jamie, no one would blame you. He’d tortured you for weeks. He tried to kill you first.”
“It’s just, I thought I was better than that . . . my ma raised me to temper my power with mercy. To live by a code of honor. But I learned I’m worse than Sean was. I murdered one of our people, Vee.” His eyes shifted to mine, their dark anguish cutting into my soul.
“It’s war, Jamie. We do what we have to. I killed at least two of those guards on the mountain path.”
He sat up and turned to me. Beads of moisture dotted his skin, mixing with his sweat and the tears leaking from his eyes. “But Sean didn’t disintegrate. He was still a man. Still had his soul, and I took it from him.”
“You don’t know that—he pledged to the witch. We don’t know what that did to him.”
As if he hadn’t heard me, he said, “There’s more.”
I nodded. Ready to hear it all—every horrible thing he’d buried that was cutting at his insides like a dull knife.
“I was moved to a bedchamber, given clean clothes and food. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw your face. You were the only thing keepin’ me sane. And then ye were there.”
I waited. Confused.
“Or I thought it was you, until . . . I kissed her.”
“Kissed her?” Chills swept over my arms and I began to shake.