Football and Ballet - Jason Collins Page 0,42

else. It’s confusing.”

“Why confusing?”

“Because everyone kind of has their own, little box?” I explained. “But it’s like you’re refusing to fit into any of them.”

“Why would I ever want to?” Hunter quirked an eyebrow. “I mean, is that what you want to do? Fit into a box?”

“No, but it’s a lot easier when everyone else does,” I joked. “It just makes everything easier, really, when I can just kind of make snap judgments about things and be instantly proven right.”

“Ah.” Hunter smirked. “So, what you’re really saying is that you’ve been looking for a reason to dismiss me, but you haven’t found one yet.”

“That’s not what I was saying, at all—”

“You’re invited to keep looking,” he continued. “Until you find whatever fatal flaw you’re looking for. It’s not like you’d be the first person to spend a lot of their time trying to figure out the worst parts of me. Hell, someone’s probably writing a think piece about me right now.”

Fuck.

I didn’t want Hunter to lump me in with the rest of the world, with the people he saw himself at odds with on a regular basis. But I didn’t know how to tell Hunter that I wasn’t looking for a flaw because I wanted to dismiss him.

I was looking for a flaw because I wanted to dismiss myself, wanted to give myself a reason to sweep my burgeoning feelings underneath the arcade’s blue carpet.

But instead of coming clean about my blossoming emotional state, I decided to change the subject, altogether. “What was Amanda like?”

“She was sweet,” Hunter replied. “She wasn’t really interested in me, though. She wanted to go to prom with one of my friends, but when he didn’t ask, I asked her out instead.”

“You were trying to help her save face?”

“Nah. It was mostly a selfish move.” He laughed. “I asked her out because I knew she wouldn’t be interested in hooking up with me or anything afterwards, because she was still broken up about my friend. We just went to the dance together, and then I dropped her off at a pool party one of the senior girls was throwing that night. And that was it. That was my prom.”

“I didn’t go to my prom,” I said as I looked over at him.

“Why not?”

“Too busy with dance stuff,” I admitted. “I think I was either in rehearsals that night or actually performing on stage.”

“Do you regret not going?”

“I don’t like to think about it.”

“Not think about what? Missing your prom?”

“No, regret,” I clarified. “If I start thinking about all the stuff I missed because I was dancing… it starts to weigh on me a little. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing I love more in this whole world than being on stage and feeling that audience with their eyes on me, waiting to be moved… but in a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve missed out on having a life. A real one. When I think back on everything it’s just a blur of dance steps, glitter and boozy sleepovers with the cast.”

“I kind of feel that way too.” Hunter hummed. “Like I’m missing out on having a real life.”

“Well, at least we have this.” I offered him a hopeful smile. “This is the realest something I’ve had in a long time, I think.”

“Yeah, me too.” He nodded in response before he leaned over toward me, close enough to kiss my face.

And I took a step away from him as I shook my head. “You don’t want to do that, Hunter. It’s too risky. You never know who might be peeking through those big, glass windows.”

“You’re right,” he quietly relented, shifting even further away from me.

And as I stared at the space between us, the calming blue of the rug, the way Hunter’s eyes yet again seemingly peered off somewhere so far away, I suddenly felt like crying.

“What’s so funny?”

Hunter had been laughing at something on his phone for what felt like the last five minutes, the screen only a few inches away from his face. It’d been several days since we’d gone to the arcade together, and several days since I’d seen him last, too.

I didn’t want to tell him how much I’d missed him when we were apart. I also didn’t want to tell him that I’d been looking forward to spending time with him again, counting down the hours until I was back in his vicinity.

And now, after we’d finished with our lesson for the afternoon, Hunter and I were enjoying a